Everything in the past few days feels like in suspended animation, I won't say that I'm in love with Omar (yet), but there's something growing for sure… we've been spending a lot of time together (as if we didn't in the first place), I already know that we share a lot of things in common and we're merely interested in the same stuff, and its kind of ironic, the guy that I share the same lifestyle of misery with is the one that is making me feel happy at least for the moment… I didn't think about my messed up self a lot lately nor about Zaid or anyone else, I just "lived the moment"… when I look at it, it never had to change, it just stayed the same thing, we're still doing the same things we used to do in the past together, talk about a book that either of us have recently read, make fun of inferior people that have a "different" way of thinking, or me simply being sarcastic about everything and he telling me afterwards that I'm the only one that can make him really laugh… I feel extremely stupid for saying something like this, but I have to, maybe I shouldn't have looked so far for my someone, he was right there the whole time… I didn't want to make it sound so happy and pinkish like I used to feel about Zaid, but Omar gives me a good feeling and that is it.Speaking about Zaid, the other day, I went to Virgin megastore in Citymall a couple of days ago with Omar to buy some books, I've got a friend that works there and she informs me if any books of my "type" arrive over there, and since my type of stuff is also Omar's type of stuff, we went together, got the books and on our way out of Virgin I saw Zaid, Omar did too, I said: just ignore, Zaid came over as I expected he would and he said: hey, what are you doing here? I was about to say "none of your business" but Omar said: he came with me to get some stuff, why don't you go find a new place to spend your time at? Zaid said: if you think I was talking to you, I'm not. I said: don't talk to him like that… Zaid said with a sarcastic laugh: and why is that? He's not your boyfriend or anything, is he? Omar looked at me as if he's expecting to hear something certain. I said: as a matter of fact, he is. Zaid was kind of stoned and Omar said right away: you heard him, now beat it. That’s when my friend Lana (the one that works in Virgin mega store) came out and said: guys take this outside please. Zaid said: don't worry, we're already done here. Omar said: great, hope to see you after 7 or 8 lifetimes, Zaid said: I don't know you enough, but I can already say that you're not gonna last, I'm gonna get MJ back eventually and you know it deep down in yourself, just remember what he used to tell you about me and how he felt about me. That’s when I said: exactly, felt, past tense, history, dusty shameful disgusting history that I neither want to even remember nor repeat, now go before archeologists come over to dig you up from the past era you're living in… we walked away, and he was still standing there, and Omar said to me: I just love the way you humiliate people, you're so good at it… I said: it’s a natural gift. We went back to Omar's place, to browse through the book and the music CDs we got from Virgin, the moment we got to the building where Omar lives, my phone rang, it was a message from my newest and probably closest friend of all(now that Omar doesn't count as a friend anymore). I never thought this could happen, but there's actually another MJ out there, he's gay also, he's older than me by only 12 hours and we both have the same fucked up twisted way of thinking… I told him that I'm with Omar now and I can't go out now… we got in, and I didn't spare a second and kissed Omar right away, he pushed me a bit away and said: what you said to Zaid a bit earlier, was it real or you were just trying to hurt him? I said: sure its real, you were the first to know that I'm way over him, he said: not that, the part where you said that I'm your boyfriend, I said: I know this is kind of breaking our asexuality oath, but yes, I really meant it. As soon as I said that, I felt like I'm again in the land of pink puppies, where everything sounds good and right and I don't have to wake up to an empty bed… he said: I can't hide that I fear what he said in the end, that you're gonna go back to him, you guys had such a history… I said: again, exactly, history… would you just let it go? If you don't, I'm gonna go, I have to go anyway, its getting kind of late… he said: fine, go, and take your stuff with you. I wasn't pissed off yet but that pissed me off for sure, I didn't say anything, I just picked up the book and the 2 CDs and got out, Omar said: don't let the door hit you on your way out. I was on my out of the building when I had to come back and say one sentence; I got inside the apartment, and said: maybe I know that I do hell of a job in hurting anyone, but you do an extra fine job at hurting the one person that loves you. He said: you love me? I said: I'm not sure about that now... I was on my way out again, when he said: hold on, I said: save it, I gotta go. And yet again, I walked home accompanied with my demons of hate, constantly telling me that I'm for me, and for no one else, and that’s how it's supposed to be. And to be honest, at that moment, their words made sense like never.
