The Other Side

Creating an illusion and living in it is the easiest way to forget whatever problems a person has in his ordinary life, some people use that new online game called "Second Life", well; I don't need that game, because I luckily have my own head… I didn't think about my self solo this time, I shoved Omar right into my thoughts, I mean what the heck did I do over there? He sure doesn't deserve this. He's been the best person I've ever known (relatively)… after whatever happened with him, I tried to talk to him, I once saw him with his sister in the mall and I tried to talk to him, but he said to his sister "tell him that I wish not to speak to him" so I just backed off… I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I felt as if he's me, when I was same in his age, and in the exact same way Ryan crushed me, I just crushed him… and that gave me even another addition to hate my self. Probably this sounds a bit repeated, but again, a song draws the shape of my life in a certain period, this time it’s a combination of songs, first is "Glades of Summer" and "In Sumerian Haze", both by Sirenia. I couldn't help it but think about him every time I listened to those songs since he told whatever has been building up inside of him for God knows how long… I never thought of him that way, I just took him for granted a friend forever and ever, I just didn't bare in mind that the thing that messed up everything in my life could mess up this particular thing, the last sanctuary I thought I had, I used to tell him whatever comes up on my mind and never ever thought about him in a way as he'd be a target for one of my "boyfriend operations"… In Sirenia's "In Sumerian Haze", there a sentence, "I guess it was just meant to be this way…" I refused to let nature prevail again and leave me yet once again to talk to my shadows of loneliness… I went to his place, and I knew that he'd be alone at that time. I rang the bell once and twice, and no one answered, I was about to leave when his voice came in from inside saying "hold on, I'll be right there", he opened the door and said: it's just you… I said: you talked, finally. He said: don't count on that, bye… I said: wait, why do you have to make everything harder like this? We'll talk this out, and if we don't come up with a solution for this mess we'll just figure out something. He said: I know I'll regret this eventually but fine, wanna come in? I stepped in, and he walked in front of me into his room… I said: first time I feel weird in your room. He said: it's still the same room you know… I said: I know, but I just feel like everything changed… he said: I'll try to eliminate this feeling of awkwardness, let's go out for a walk, deal? I said: sure. He picked up a book about alchemy. It was almost dusk and I had no idea what to say, he said: so how's everything? Anything new happened with you? I said: nope, same old, nothing new… then there was this weird time of silence; we just kept walking on and on till he said: can I be honest? I said: sure… he said: this feels even weirder for me, I know I said something rather shocking the other day, but... I said: we don't have to talk about this now… what's that book you got over there? He said: it’s a really cool book I bought a couple of days ago, called "Alchemy and Mysticism". One thing didn't change, we still had the same things in common… the demonic paintings, the wicked creatures and the images of death slaying people… and because he read some of the book, he was able to explain the stuff I couldn't understand… at some point, he was talking about Hermes' Caduceus, and I just looked at him, the way he gets excited whenever we talk about something that we're both interested in, as if he wants to share it with me, the way he doesn't care about his looks, his messed up long hair, his black t shirt, the way he touches the cuts on his wrist just like I do, the way we both look at something else at the moment our eyes cross just because we hate eye contact, the way he says that I'm the only that makes him really laugh, I never thought about him in this way, but now that I do, it doesn't seem that wrong after all… we spent almost 5 hours talking about that book, it was almost 3 am when he said: I should probably head back home now… and I don't think I'll find a taxi anytime soon this late, and my dad's driver is probably asleep now, so I think I'm gonna walk home. I said: I'll walk with you; it's not that far from my place. This time, we had something to talk about, the book we've been talking about for the past 5 hours… when we finally got to the entrance of his place, he said: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually glad that we talked… I said: so we're good? He didn't answer, he just looked me in the eye for the first time in ages, and kissed me… suddenly he said: sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I said: kidding? That was awesome; I didn't know you're such a good kisser. He said: I have to go now, good night and I'll probably see you soon… I said: sure, good night. He got up half the way on the house's stairs and then came back down, and he put his arms on face, and kissed me again, and this time, more tongue. He said afterwards: its just something I had to do, it felt like it, now I'm really gonna go to sleep cause I barely can keep my eyes open.. he got inside and I walked back home, it felt as if the door of my heart, the one that I closed and threw away the key, just has been bombed and opened by force… I felt hasty and confused; I just didn't want to believe that once again, I am actually feeling something…

Reality Is Sometimes Stranger Than Fiction...

Starting off another day alone is something that I got used to now, I don't have anything better to do than doing my favorite thing ever, reading… now that I'm totally friendless and as I said before, and the guy I thought I love acted a bit different than what I expected he would… having this kind of life now is actually the best thing that has ever happened to me, I'm completely fine with being alone like this, how is it going to affect me? I'm gonna go crazy? Hello… I’m already crazy, so there's no point of chasing this obsolete meridian… it is true that I go out a lot more now, on weekdays, to a park near my house, like a 15 minutes walk, so I go from the morning till sunset and don't do anything except to write whatever I have on my mind, and the best part is that there is no one over there at that time except for a little number of people, and I used to do that when I was 17 and still in school, I used to go to that place just for the sake of not going back to the hell hole I call my home, or to get away from whatever problems I caused in school… and being the stupidest person on the face of earth ever, I decided to go to the Starbucks near the park where I always hang out, now going to Starbucks on a weekend day is the worse thing I've ever done, its crowded as hell and I can't stand it… yet, being the dumbass I am, I went over there to get something to go and just leave… I walked in, and it was full of people as expected, I did the thing I always do, I just looked on the floor and kept walking, in order to avoid eye contact with anyone… I bumped into this guy at the door, I said "sorry" and kept walking… that’s when I heard a voice I recognize very well saying: M.J.? Is that you? And in one moment, I smiled in irony and said: well if it isn't you, when did you get here from Brussels? It was Ryan; he came as he said he would 2 months… he said: I arrived only a couple of days ago, and you know I own an apartment near here, and you also know I'm obsessed with Starbucks… I said: awesome, choke on it, I'm going… he said: wanna sit down and talk this whole thing out? You know final closure? And finally be friends? I said: and when did you suddenly turn into Miss Congeniality? Last time we tried to talk this out I did something I was wishing it would've kept you away for at least a century until you're a rotten corpse… you sure look like one. He said: you didn't grow up a bit, maybe by height; you're taller than me now. I said: woo hoo… lucky me, I knew this conversation was going no where so I chose to end it by my self, I walked away to the cash register to order something and just go, Ryan said: I'll be waiting for you outside in my car, same car as always… I got my stuff and I walked outside, it was almost dusk time and I was planning to take what I have just ordered to my room and continue reading over there, that’s where Ryan started talking to me again… I got kind of fed up with it, I said: fine, you want to talk, lets talk, about the way you abandoned me because I was only an insecure teenager with mixed feelings 3 years ago, lets talk about the way you slept with my best friend just because you thought I have feelings for him, lets talk about the way you always wreck my world by coming up with a different disaster to plague whatever I have just built, I advice you to go find some other bimbo to show off like you did with Tim last year, and I guess we're more than done over here… at that moment, luckily, my phone rang, it was my Goth friend from Syria, Omar… He arrived in Amman, and I was really eager to see him, its been a while since we last talked, I told him that we'll meet up at City Mall and then figure out something to do, soon I was at City Mall, and I got a message from Omar saying that he'll be 30 minutes late because he got stuck at his grandparents' place, I couldn't complain so I sent back "sure, no problem.." while I was trying to kill time by looking around me, my phone rang again, and Zaid's name was on the screen, I didn't want to answer, but I thought "what the heck, I'll spit a couple of words in his face and hang up, will be fun and will waste sometime", I answered, and he said: where are you? I said: out… he said: I can't hear you well… can you move outside or near a window or something? Since I was already in the ground floor, I went out of the main entrance, I said: what about now? He said: yeah that’s better, now hang up. I found him standing right next to me, I said: I have absolutely nothing to say to you, I may have over reacted but this was your way of saying goodbye, and it was one hell of a way… he said: can't you just hear me, I can't even say anything in my defense? I said: nope, now beat it… that’s when another guy was walking into the mall with a girl, it was A.J., he said: hey you, haven't seen you for a while. Zaid said: who's this? A.J. said: I'm A.J.; I'm with M.J. at his university… I said: great, you two talk to each other while I find a place where I can shoot my self, bye. While I was walking away, and trying to call Omar to meet me up in another place, that’s when Ryan was just parking his car outside, I said: great, it just couldn't go worse. Ryan said: hey… I said: how did you get here? He said: I heard you on the phone saying that you're gonna be here, and since I wasn't able to talk to you before I thought I'd show up and see you now… that’s when Zaid and A.J. came and Ryan said: aren't you gonna introduce us? I said: Ryan, this is Zaid and A.J., and I'm out of here… A.J. said: Ryan as in your ex-Ryan? Ryan said: that’s me. Zaid said to A.J.: how do you know about that? A.J. said: me and M.J. got pretty much close last year, we even kissed last December… Zaid said to me: we were still dating at that time… Ryan said: you're dating someone? I said: and that’s my sign out, you three enjoy eating each other up… Zaid said: don't go yet, we have to talk, A.J. and Ryan said: same goes for us, we have to talk to you also… I said: you, first of all, I have nothing to say to you, since you chose your ex boyfriend over me and you didn't even care for me at all since we met last September… I turned to A.J. and said: and you, it was only a kiss, no need to blow it out of proportion, grow up and choose either a guy or a girl to date since you're bisexual, your odds are doubled right there. And I said to Ryan afterwards: and you, out of everyone, you don't have the right to show up like this and assume that I'm gonna talk to you again, you left 3 years ago, that was partially my fault, but screw me if I'm not living in the shadow of you coming back one day, because I'm not gonna do that, get over it. I stormed out of there not sure about the way I'm feeling, and I saw Omar right in front of me, I said: good you're finally here, I'm kind of in a screwed up mood and I could use a friend right now… he said: I have to tell you something… I said: can't it wait till we get somewhere and at least order coffee? He said: I have feelings for you… I didn't say anything for almost 5 minutes, then he said: well… now I have to go, I said: wait, can't we even talk about this? Its not gonna be awkward to talk to you anymore, is it? He said: I guess its gonna be like this from now on, don't try to talk to me, good bye… and he walked away, I went home and kept on thinking why is God getting such a thrill from screwing up my life, and it definitely just went from bad to worse…

Living A Lie...

A voice of reason exists in everyone's head, including me, the only extra addition that I have is that I have a counter voice to that, voices of hatred and agony… now that Zaid is long past gone, they are the only thing left for me, those voices in my head, that always kill my loneliness, whether I'm all alone in my room or if I'm in the middle of a crowd… and among whatever wrongful characteristics I have in me, not having the ability to socialize in a normal way is the best… I always felt different, I always felt like I can't simply fit, when I tried to deny that fact, I started to get to know people (and that turned out to have its own consequences)… and now I'm imprisoned in this legacy of social relationships that I created when I was considered partially "sane"… and with more time passing by, the more I hate this spider web of lies, pretending to be someone else as soon as I see a face I recognize, being happy and living a lie and just throw whatever I feel in my heart and paint whatever mask fits for the occasion and get on with it… now this became more than a habit for me, it became a part of my nature, I can't show my true feelings anymore even if I want to, whenever I see someone I know, the acting begins, smiling, pretending that everything is ok, and when someone asks me how I'm doing I answer with confidence "I'm doing pretty much great thanks"… I have nothing to be thankful for except the hope in the far away horizon of dying some day, the sooner the better… everyday, I wake up for absolutely nothing, I have no reason to live for, my family can't stand me, my friends are drifting away from me because I became a different person lately, and the person I thought I'm in love with turned out to be a big fat lie… and everyday, life becomes simply harder, as if I'm not meant to be on this earth, like I'm a waste of time and space, a heart that can't handle the aches of this world shouldn't exist in the first place… but I don't think its far from over yet, something keeps on telling me that there are darkened days to come, I can't either kill my self or live because on both sides I'm a coward… in the past times I've attempted suicide, I always flunk, another failure… either I chicken out so the cut is not precisely on my wrist or it just misses and goes down a bit, or its me becoming used to having more than 10 pills of Prozac per day, or the fact that Diazepam doesn't get to me anymore… completely numb, completely dead… in the past few days, I felt like I'm a shadow of my own self, like I'm wandering off without a reason or a purpose in life… I felt like my whole existence is a mistake, someone's mistake… like I can't do any of this anymore… unfortunately, the spider web showed how much of a damage it is again… my friend Yara started asking me what's wrong, why am I folding over my self and not talking to anyone anymore… I didn't answer; I didn't even have the strength to look her in the eye, because I felt like I failed her, I failed everyone that ever expected anything from me… I just walked away and she said: call me… when I got back home after my lectures, my mom said to me: anything you feel like telling me? Your friend Yara passed by an hour ago and told me that you're not talking to anyone anymore at university… you can tell me anything, I'm your mother… I didn't say anything, I only had one thought in my head, how could she? That little bitch, she had no right whatsoever to do anything like that, so I just went out of my house and went to hers… I said: how on earth do you go off telling people about me? Am I a celebrity all out of the sudden? She said: you can at least say "thanks for being worried about me, you're a true friend"… I said: you're unbelievable; you call your self my friend at the same time where you go off spreading my news around to the people that couldn't care less about me feeling OK or not. Next time, be sure that you won't even live to tell anyone and you know I mean what I say… she said: awesome, now go… I was going down the stairs of the building and I wasn't in my best times ever, I didn't want to go back home because I felt like there might be a bit more questioning yet to be done by my parents… and the friend I had to talk to whenever I felt like I can't to talk to anyone else just proofed me wrong… I went a bit down from the building where Yara lives, which is not that far from where I live… I didn't feel like walking that much and the first thing I found in front of me was my old school again, and I thought to my self "what the heck"… I didn't go further inside, I almost stood on the door and I didn't want to go more inside because then I'll remember more things about the 8 years of my life I spend in this place… then I thought its not much of a good idea to hang out there, it will only remind me of all the bad things I did when I was in school and my policy of "I want it, I will take it" that I almost applied to everything, and then I remembered Ryan, yes, again… I didn't even know why I would think about him in such a time, it was the place… right outside the school's main gate, where he used to park his BMW and I jump in it after my classes are over… and I felt extremely stupid… for one simple reason, whatever I felt for Ryan in the past, and how I felt almost devastated if he even looked at someone else or didn't talk to me on one day, I felt almost a couple of days ago for Zaid… I felt like I'm 16 again, stuck in the day I knew that I am me, and not meant to be with someone… to be honest, I've never lived out of the shadow of that day, the day I knew I can't go on without the notion of either dying or destruction, and that’s where the war started, my war against everyone, a destruction spree, those were good time and I had fun… I can't say the same about the people that were sucked into the vortex of my thoughts, who became merely puppets in the game, my game… I didn't have anything to do except to sorrow my existence, so I just walked home, when I got in, I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water, my dad said to me: feel like talking, son? I said: just stop it ok? Everything is not ok, and don't act as it is ok, just leave me alone and I'll manage by my self, I don't need anyone of you, I don't need this, I just can't do this whole happy family play anymore, you and your happy family image can bite me, and if I don't fit in, then too bad, and if you just let me, I'll be gone faster than you can think of one of your mind blowing brilliant ideas… and now, you've got anything left to say? I didn't think so. And I went to my room and turned on music, I looked at the huge pentagram that is drawn on wall… and I looked at my blood on the wall, the blood that I write things that no one can understand on my wall when I cut my self… I closed my eyes with the desire to never wake up to spend another minute on this planet, in the morning, I woke up facing the same wall, and I saw the same blooded sentences, and I thought to my self: at least something decided to stay with me through the night after all…