Dead To The World..

Happiness and Me... Me and happiness… we just can't get along together like other people… I've been doing a lot of thinking in the past few days, about me, yes, again, I feel like I screwed up, I was talking to a friend from Syria, he is Goth like myself… and I didn't talk to him for almost a year and a half… so he was asking me what's new... I told him the whole thing that is going on with Zaid, he said: and how exactly did you land such ransack? I said: I kind of stole him from someone… he said: remember, Triquetra… it will come and bite you back, you know better, I thought you read about such stuff? I said: well, what can I say, I'm simply out of fears, and I don't have anything to lose. He said: it's not about losing something… you'll get your "punishment" in other ways… and that’s what I've been thinking about, I didn't really believe that I can simply get away with everything that I've done before, when it comes to Zaid and even in previous times… well, I never ever regretted anything that I've ever did in order to satisfy my own sick ego, I didn't defy destiny this time and I decided to finally give in, just live with it, whatever I have in my hands, and as soon as I lose it, I will start bitching, but mean while I'll just enjoy whatever is going on for the time being…

So, there was this multi-cultural exhibition thing at Jordan University, now I wouldn't care less about that crap, but Zaid had some work to do over there, so I told him that I will drop by after I finish my lectures so we can figure out if we'll do something at that evening… I called him and he was a bit busy with everything going on around him, so I told him that I'll be near the Faculty of Law (which is considerably an isolated place), I had my mp3 player with me as usual, so I just started writing whatever thoughts I have in my head on my notebook like I always do while listening to music… I was (as usual) having the best time of my life when something blocked the sun off me, I thought it was a cloud so I looked up, and I found this guy that looks familiar standing in front of me… I said: do you mind? He said: obviously, your majesty can't remember me… I said: and am I supposed to? I sure hope not… he said: you didn’t even change a bit… since the moment you stole my boyfriend… that’s when I remembered him, its Nedal, there was a guy that Zaid was still dating when him and I met last September… but things weren't going that well between them two, that’s when I jumped in and "ransacked" Zaid… and as I was still remembering those times, Nedal said: so, how is it going? Enjoying what you stole from me? I said: I don't have time for such nonsense, if I wanted to talk to someone that is less important than a wall to me I'd go pick one of my ex-boyfriends, and you go stomach the idea that I won and you simply lost, its not that hard, just give it a try or just get used to it… he said: no, hell no, that’s not the way its supposed to happen, evil is not supposed to triumph over goodness, you shouldn't be happy, everything should fall apart over you because like you wreck people's relationships you deserve yours to be wrecked, and everything will fall into its right place and I will have Zaid again… I said: how did you even get into university with this teenage Britney Spears way of thinking? Get over your self; is this what I'm to you, Evil? And what makes you the good side in this whole thing? Your time is gone, and everything did fall into right place, he is with me now. He said: look at your self, there's no reason for him to even think about you, he must've lost his senses to even touch you, you can't keep him with you forever, he will get bored of you eventually because you don't even have anything to offer him in the first place… as much as I wanted to group my strength together and just answer to that I couldn't… because I knew much of what Nedal was saying is true… why would someone merely perfect like Zaid would even look at me, the social reject? That’s when one of the voices in my head said: don't take this as a matter of love, it doesn't matter if you love Zaid or not, its just a matter for victory, you have to win, so get a grip and just respond to this mass of slime already… I said to Nedal: and what do you know, you're just a male virago, you can't even hold on to a guy, and trust me, if there was a reason other than the feelings I have for Zaid for me to save him from your claws, it would be just for the pleasure of seeing you suffer, because people like you are made to be stepped on, now I have to go and be with my boyfriend, enjoy the moments of your loneliness… he said: and you still ask why you're considered as the evil part in this? How can you even sleep at night? I said: with Zaid on top of me, if you can get it. Now just for my own entertainment, I will bring Zaid over here just to rub my victory in your face, inferior. I turned around and Zaid was coming, he said: what's going on over here? I said: this piece of Rap-music style trash claims that I stole you from him… so, now explain to him that you simply chose me… he said: well… I don't know what to say, actually I never told Nedal that I chose you, I just left and never talked to him again… Nedal said: that’s right, and that’s what made me hate your guts even more, you manipulative boyfriend stealing bitch. I said: what? It doesn't mean anything now, because I already have you and it has been more than 10 months… Nedal said: the final word is for Zaid to chose, and as I can remember, there was a reason why Zaid got close to me, the job I can secure him in my father's company after he graduates… I said: nonsense, I already held him back from traveling to Germany to get his Master's Degree… Nedal said: and you say that as it’s a good thing… I said: you just shut your mouth, its Zaid's call to make, and I guess I already know the answer. Nedal said: yes, you have to choose right now, either the tall mentally-ill obsessive guy or me. Zaid said: you two are unbelievable, this is beyond ridiculous… I said: doesn't matter, just chose already, you will either have emotions or material, what do you choose? He didn't answer for a while… I said: I thought you will answer in a heartbeat… yet he didn't talk. I said: well, how pleasant, but I guess I'll go now… as I started walking away, Zaid said: no, don't go, I didn't say anything yet. I said: you don't need to, if you were sure about the way you feel about me you would've said "I choose you" in a heartbeat… but you didn't, and that’s more than a clear answer for you, and that exact moment, I tried to go away as fast as I could, this was a victory, to the rebel voices in my head, it finally happened, its is the end of end, and although I may've over reacted about it a bit, but I just wanted an excuse, I just felt like I have to do this in this way, because what Nedal said was true again, I don't have anything to offer to Zaid, while if he stays with Nedal he'll get his job secured and I'm sure that he won't do something like cancelling his Master's Degree program for Nedal… so, all turned out to the best and everything is in its rightful place again, and laws of nature prevailed again… as I was on my way back home, I heard cheers of victory echo in my head over and over again, the sounds of the shadows of my loneliness, my demons and my fears talking in my head again, I felt like my whole existence is just… a waste… but also, I felt like I'm finally fulfilling the destiny I'm supposed to have, a destiny of loneliness, a lifetime of solitude, and of course, an impossible encounter with happiness…

Dark Chest Of Wonders..

I know this might sound a bit repeated, but I just despise this world… I can't find one simple reason to live, that’s why I usually think that I should die as soon as possible, but there's the lame excuse that people care about me… sure some people do care about me, but it's just a momentary thing that will fade away as time passes on… all of my life feels like a déjà vu all the time… everything feels the same now like it did when I was almost 16, I feel like the same insecure teenager that didn't even have the ability to differentiate between the feelings that are called love and those which are considered "sick temporary states".. Just like Ryan… I don't know how to act anymore… I wish I have never answered that call, at least I'd still be somehow managing to live now, but now I'm considering suicide again, it feels pointless, my whole existence sounds pointless, I can't find anyone who would even care less if I didn't exist, starting from my own family that I'm always considered the "bad seed" among them, to the people that I call my "friends" that have already nicknamed me "the sinister one", and to the people I just have pointless talks with and when they see how I act about everything, how I'm all "death" oriented and everything they just go… I don't think that I should change my own way of thinking in order to please or get into someone… some people don't get Gothicism and somehow confuse it with Satanism, but that’s completely wrong… My only straight "friend", Iyas, saw me in City Mall a couple of weeks ago in a Gothic music fans gathering, of course I had the whole package of Gothicism, I was showing the cuts on my wrist and I was wearing a black t-shirt with a vampire drawing on it, and I put eyeliner… and he was like: now you turned to Satanism after homosexuality? He's just another person that doesn't get me so I told him to leave me alone... he said: I'm your friend and I'm concerned about you… I told him: if you're really my friend you won't get all judgmental like this on me without even trying to understand how I think or feel, so just back off… he walked away and I got back to touching the cuts I have on my wrist, many people ask me why do I cut my self… its because of the hatred… because of all the pain within… sometimes I can't take it, I take a couple of Prozac pills and get on with it, but when I stopped cutting my self when I was 16, I was already used to that habit… but I stopped when I became 17 for a reason that I can't even remember… till last autumn… when everything started falling again… I was actually stupid enough to think that there's the slightest chance of hope of my finally fitting into this world… it was the last thing I ever thought I'd ever do, to try the "Self Deception" technique in order to fit in… to lie and pretend to be someone else in order to fit in with the surrounding atmosphere… and more over, I thought since I'm still 16 and in school that I do actually stand a chance, but I didn't… in school, I did have a couple of friends, but I was only obliged to talk to them because I knew them for a long time, almost 8 years, but when I was 15, I started pulling away from them, because I found my real self, and I figured out that I'm gay, and that was after a lot of hesitation mixed with anger and hatred, it was almost like a civil war inside of me… I had mixed emotions about everyone, and I didn't even dare to think about me being gay, and being with a guy for one simple reason, because I knew that anyone will ever understand me… and that’s pretty much what I feel now again, the difference back then is that I didn't know anyone so I can justify whatever measures I take now to drive people away… most of those feelings and thoughts made me mentally unstable, I do admit it, and I know I am, but the thing is, its actually good, it gives me my ultimate pleasure, talking to my self… I always have more than a million voices in my head, I used to disagree with them before but when I found out (on more than one incident) that they can completely destroy me, but I started listening to them, which narrowed down the possibilities of me becoming more unstable… but that also made me unpredictable, because every time something happens to me, I listen to a different voice… It sometimes feels sweet to go back to that time, when everything was done with Ryan and I was still feeling my way out of everything, and trying to build a person that won't ever fall or feel again… I was still trying to come over the fact that I actually stepped down to the grade of being a human… I always considered my self superior and having "emotions" in general was somehow degrading… and also because I didn't want to feel, because the pain from those emotions is simply unbearable, it somehow feels like every single mistake that I ever do is just my emotions taking control of me… That’s why I don't talk a lot anymore, because I feel like I just have to let those emotions out if I talk to someone, and if those emotions are out then it's practically similar to opening the 9 doors of Hell all loose… that’s why I had to tell Zaid that its over, I won't deny that I still do have feelings for him, but it doesn't matter anymore since he deserves someone more stable… I know that sounds a bit stupid, and its not a real excuse to tear down a relationship, but I have to do it sooner or later, so I called him, and that was almost a week ago, and I told him that we have to talk… he said: sure, just let me finish my lectures and I'll be with you right away… it was almost 7 pm when we met, close to sunset time, when the darkness starts… I didn't really know what to say since I didn't have something specific in my mind to say in the first place… I couldn't simply say "I'm out of here, live with it"… because I simply didn't want to hurt him, I don't want him to hate me although I know that eventually he will… he stopped his car at some point and said: so, you're supposed to talk, that’s why you brought me here in the first place, right? I said: yeah well… I just don't know how to start… he said: I'll do that. And he kissed me… I said: that was helping, I forgot what I wanted to say… and I actually did forget, because it sounded like worthless nonsense to throw all of what I have just because I have a couple of insecurities… but when he laid his head on my shoulder and smelled my neck like he always used to do, and said: you know, I always had a pre-image in my head, of this person that I want, I didn't really think about how he's gonna look like, I just had in my imagination an already made up person, that smells a certain smell, he smells so sweet, and he's the best person ever because when he gets mad at me, he doesn't hide, and that makes us stronger, and because whenever I feel like I have to talk about anything he's there, he talks to me about anything, he's just exactly what I need right now… I had to shut him up because his words were reviving hope, a hope that shouldn't exist in the first place… I had a million things going in my mind and I think he noticed, he said: anything wrong? I wanted to swallow all of what I thought about earlier and just get on with it, just leave everything as it is, but the consequences were merely unbearable… so I said: there is actually… his face completely changed and said: and what would that be? You're not planning on having of one of your mood swings again and leave me, right? I didn't know what to say because that might have been the truth, that I'm just feeling the same exact feeling before when I walked over my feelings and just tried to forget about him… I had to know that for sure, but yet, I felt like I have to do this, to leave him… he was holding my hand between his hands and he suddenly let go of it, and there was a long period of silence… I said eventually: look, I can't do this, I can't be with you, I know I will eventually hurt you so I'll just spare you the pain, I just don't think I'm good for this, for being with someone, since I somehow admit the face that I'm mentally unstable… he said: you know, I thought you're supposed to be smart but you're not.. I know that all of this will end at some point, but I was just hoping that it will last for a while, for a long while actually… I said: and whenever it ends, we will both feel bad about it, so why to practically live a lie when it's impossible for it to ever become real? He said: and there comes your own problem, you just have to gain control over everything, you have to put the future under your control, and you just can't live with you have, don't you? I said: its not that I try to control anything, its just the fact that I know that everything will fall apart sooner or later, so I'd rather spare my self the whole drama… he said: you sure saved your self a lot , should I drive you home now or you want to go away as fast as you can? I personally recommend option number 2… I said: I don't have to put up with this so I'll just go, I got off his car and was still processing whatever that has just happened… I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see this world ever again… that’s when I heard his voice next to me, saying: no… don't… just don't go, ok? I can't stop thinking about you like that; it's not a switch that you just can turn off suddenly… I said: you're just making it harder, and your just postponing the inevitable… he said: just come with me… I have something to show you… I knew that I shouldn't have went with him, but I did… we stopped at his place, got into his room… he got out this plane ticket, and gave it to me… it said "Amman – Hamburg", with a flight timing after 5 months from now, and it didn't have a specific date about the day of coming back to Amman… I said: good for you, you're going to Germany… and not coming back obviously… he said: you know I'm graduating this year, and I'm supposed to go complete my studies in Germany, I was supposed to, I mean… I said: was? He said: yeah, was… I was holding the ticket with my both hands, he took one hand and put it in his hand, and with his other hand combined with my hand that was holding the ticket in the first place, he tore apart the ticket… he said: I didn't know how to tell you about it, I just couldn't because I thought that it is the end that you're thinking that it will come eventually… I said: you're crazy, you know that? It's your future, your whole life is at stake here… he said: did it even occur for you to think who am I wasting this for? It's for you, stupid… it doesn't matter, I still can get a job with my current degree and at least I won't feel winterhearted, I'll have someone to smooch with… I wanted to cry for a reason I didn't know at that point, but I smiled, because a couple of days ago, I was listening to a song called "Winterhearted" by Xandria, when he called me, and he asked me what song I am listening to… and I told him that it’s a song that makes me feel somehow smoochy… then he said: I know you like Goth music with all the screams and the grunts and the dark ideas, but I found the perfect song, and its by a Goth band also… he got out his phone and he said: now I know this sounds a bit cheesy, but I don't want to ruin the moment by making you wait… and he started playing "I'll Keep On Dreaming" by Stream of Passion… and with my hand still holding his hand, he came and sat next to me… he said: just because you have those freakishly annoying ideas about everything, that doesn't mean I can't have you… I wanted to say something at that point but I didn’t… I just lived with whatever was happening, and somehow envied my self for having a guy like Zaid… but I felt like I'm opening Pandora's Box, the Dark Chest of Wonders where all evil and darkness lies, and whatever I just did will drive more curses upon my already miserable existence…