The Other Side

Creating an illusion and living in it is the easiest way to forget whatever problems a person has in his ordinary life, some people use that new online game called "Second Life", well; I don't need that game, because I luckily have my own head… I didn't think about my self solo this time, I shoved Omar right into my thoughts, I mean what the heck did I do over there? He sure doesn't deserve this. He's been the best person I've ever known (relatively)… after whatever happened with him, I tried to talk to him, I once saw him with his sister in the mall and I tried to talk to him, but he said to his sister "tell him that I wish not to speak to him" so I just backed off… I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I felt as if he's me, when I was same in his age, and in the exact same way Ryan crushed me, I just crushed him… and that gave me even another addition to hate my self. Probably this sounds a bit repeated, but again, a song draws the shape of my life in a certain period, this time it’s a combination of songs, first is "Glades of Summer" and "In Sumerian Haze", both by Sirenia. I couldn't help it but think about him every time I listened to those songs since he told whatever has been building up inside of him for God knows how long… I never thought of him that way, I just took him for granted a friend forever and ever, I just didn't bare in mind that the thing that messed up everything in my life could mess up this particular thing, the last sanctuary I thought I had, I used to tell him whatever comes up on my mind and never ever thought about him in a way as he'd be a target for one of my "boyfriend operations"… In Sirenia's "In Sumerian Haze", there a sentence, "I guess it was just meant to be this way…" I refused to let nature prevail again and leave me yet once again to talk to my shadows of loneliness… I went to his place, and I knew that he'd be alone at that time. I rang the bell once and twice, and no one answered, I was about to leave when his voice came in from inside saying "hold on, I'll be right there", he opened the door and said: it's just you… I said: you talked, finally. He said: don't count on that, bye… I said: wait, why do you have to make everything harder like this? We'll talk this out, and if we don't come up with a solution for this mess we'll just figure out something. He said: I know I'll regret this eventually but fine, wanna come in? I stepped in, and he walked in front of me into his room… I said: first time I feel weird in your room. He said: it's still the same room you know… I said: I know, but I just feel like everything changed… he said: I'll try to eliminate this feeling of awkwardness, let's go out for a walk, deal? I said: sure. He picked up a book about alchemy. It was almost dusk and I had no idea what to say, he said: so how's everything? Anything new happened with you? I said: nope, same old, nothing new… then there was this weird time of silence; we just kept walking on and on till he said: can I be honest? I said: sure… he said: this feels even weirder for me, I know I said something rather shocking the other day, but... I said: we don't have to talk about this now… what's that book you got over there? He said: it’s a really cool book I bought a couple of days ago, called "Alchemy and Mysticism". One thing didn't change, we still had the same things in common… the demonic paintings, the wicked creatures and the images of death slaying people… and because he read some of the book, he was able to explain the stuff I couldn't understand… at some point, he was talking about Hermes' Caduceus, and I just looked at him, the way he gets excited whenever we talk about something that we're both interested in, as if he wants to share it with me, the way he doesn't care about his looks, his messed up long hair, his black t shirt, the way he touches the cuts on his wrist just like I do, the way we both look at something else at the moment our eyes cross just because we hate eye contact, the way he says that I'm the only that makes him really laugh, I never thought about him in this way, but now that I do, it doesn't seem that wrong after all… we spent almost 5 hours talking about that book, it was almost 3 am when he said: I should probably head back home now… and I don't think I'll find a taxi anytime soon this late, and my dad's driver is probably asleep now, so I think I'm gonna walk home. I said: I'll walk with you; it's not that far from my place. This time, we had something to talk about, the book we've been talking about for the past 5 hours… when we finally got to the entrance of his place, he said: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually glad that we talked… I said: so we're good? He didn't answer, he just looked me in the eye for the first time in ages, and kissed me… suddenly he said: sorry, I shouldn't have done that, I said: kidding? That was awesome; I didn't know you're such a good kisser. He said: I have to go now, good night and I'll probably see you soon… I said: sure, good night. He got up half the way on the house's stairs and then came back down, and he put his arms on face, and kissed me again, and this time, more tongue. He said afterwards: its just something I had to do, it felt like it, now I'm really gonna go to sleep cause I barely can keep my eyes open.. he got inside and I walked back home, it felt as if the door of my heart, the one that I closed and threw away the key, just has been bombed and opened by force… I felt hasty and confused; I just didn't want to believe that once again, I am actually feeling something…