A voice of reason exists in everyone's head, including me, the only extra addition that I have is that I have a counter voice to that, voices of hatred and agony… now that Zaid is long past gone, they are the only thing left for me, those voices in my head, that always kill my loneliness, whether I'm all alone in my room or if I'm in the middle of a crowd… and among whatever wrongful characteristics I have in me, not having the ability to socialize in a normal way is the best… I always felt different, I always felt like I can't simply fit, when I tried to deny that fact, I started to get to know people (and that turned out to have its own consequences)… and now I'm imprisoned in this legacy of social relationships that I created when I was considered partially "sane"… and with more time passing by, the more I hate this spider web of lies, pretending to be someone else as soon as I see a face I recognize, being happy and living a lie and just throw whatever I feel in my heart and paint whatever mask fits for the occasion and get on with it… now this became more than a habit for me, it became a part of my nature, I can't show my true feelings anymore even if I want to, whenever I see someone I know, the acting begins, smiling, pretending that everything is ok, and when someone asks me how I'm doing I answer with confidence "I'm doing pretty much great thanks"… I have nothing to be thankful for except the hope in the far away horizon of dying some day, the sooner the better… everyday, I wake up for absolutely nothing, I have no reason to live for, my family can't stand me, my friends are drifting away from me because I became a different person lately, and the person I thought I'm in love with turned out to be a big fat lie… and everyday, life becomes simply harder, as if I'm not meant to be on this earth, like I'm a waste of time and space, a heart that can't handle the aches of this world shouldn't exist in the first place… but I don't think its far from over yet, something keeps on telling me that there are darkened days to come, I can't either kill my self or live because on both sides I'm a coward… in the past times I've attempted suicide, I always flunk, another failure… either I chicken out so the cut is not precisely on my wrist or it just misses and goes down a bit, or its me becoming used to having more than 10 pills of Prozac per day, or the fact that Diazepam doesn't get to me anymore… completely numb, completely dead… in the past few days, I felt like I'm a shadow of my own self, like I'm wandering off without a reason or a purpose in life… I felt like my whole existence is a mistake, someone's mistake… like I can't do any of this anymore… unfortunately, the spider web showed how much of a damage it is again… my friend Yara started asking me what's wrong, why am I folding over my self and not talking to anyone anymore… I didn't answer; I didn't even have the strength to look her in the eye, because I felt like I failed her, I failed everyone that ever expected anything from me… I just walked away and she said: call me… when I got back home after my lectures, my mom said to me: anything you feel like telling me? Your friend Yara passed by an hour ago and told me that you're not talking to anyone anymore at university… you can tell me anything, I'm your mother… I didn't say anything, I only had one thought in my head, how could she? That little bitch, she had no right whatsoever to do anything like that, so I just went out of my house and went to hers… I said: how on earth do you go off telling people about me? Am I a celebrity all out of the sudden? She said: you can at least say "thanks for being worried about me, you're a true friend"… I said: you're unbelievable; you call your self my friend at the same time where you go off spreading my news around to the people that couldn't care less about me feeling OK or not. Next time, be sure that you won't even live to tell anyone and you know I mean what I say… she said: awesome, now go… I was going down the stairs of the building and I wasn't in my best times ever, I didn't want to go back home because I felt like there might be a bit more questioning yet to be done by my parents… and the friend I had to talk to whenever I felt like I can't to talk to anyone else just proofed me wrong… I went a bit down from the building where Yara lives, which is not that far from where I live… I didn't feel like walking that much and the first thing I found in front of me was my old school again, and I thought to my self "what the heck"… I didn't go further inside, I almost stood on the door and I didn't want to go more inside because then I'll remember more things about the 8 years of my life I spend in this place… then I thought its not much of a good idea to hang out there, it will only remind me of all the bad things I did when I was in school and my policy of "I want it, I will take it" that I almost applied to everything, and then I remembered Ryan, yes, again… I didn't even know why I would think about him in such a time, it was the place… right outside the school's main gate, where he used to park his BMW and I jump in it after my classes are over… and I felt extremely stupid… for one simple reason, whatever I felt for Ryan in the past, and how I felt almost devastated if he even looked at someone else or didn't talk to me on one day, I felt almost a couple of days ago for Zaid… I felt like I'm 16 again, stuck in the day I knew that I am me, and not meant to be with someone… to be honest, I've never lived out of the shadow of that day, the day I knew I can't go on without the notion of either dying or destruction, and that’s where the war started, my war against everyone, a destruction spree, those were good time and I had fun… I can't say the same about the people that were sucked into the vortex of my thoughts, who became merely puppets in the game, my game… I didn't have anything to do except to sorrow my existence, so I just walked home, when I got in, I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water, my dad said to me: feel like talking, son? I said: just stop it ok? Everything is not ok, and don't act as it is ok, just leave me alone and I'll manage by my self, I don't need anyone of you, I don't need this, I just can't do this whole happy family play anymore, you and your happy family image can bite me, and if I don't fit in, then too bad, and if you just let me, I'll be gone faster than you can think of one of your mind blowing brilliant ideas… and now, you've got anything left to say? I didn't think so. And I went to my room and turned on music, I looked at the huge pentagram that is drawn on wall… and I looked at my blood on the wall, the blood that I write things that no one can understand on my wall when I cut my self… I closed my eyes with the desire to never wake up to spend another minute on this planet, in the morning, I woke up facing the same wall, and I saw the same blooded sentences, and I thought to my self: at least something decided to stay with me through the night after all… Welcome To The Heart Of Everything..
- M.J. Rahahleh
- Amman, Central Province, Jordan
- Its hard to determine who I really am.. To start with, I'm into Gothic Rock, Mythology (especially Greek and Norşki).. I don't give a damn what anyone thinks about me, Its simply no body's business since its my own life.. After all, who cares?
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Living A Lie...
A voice of reason exists in everyone's head, including me, the only extra addition that I have is that I have a counter voice to that, voices of hatred and agony… now that Zaid is long past gone, they are the only thing left for me, those voices in my head, that always kill my loneliness, whether I'm all alone in my room or if I'm in the middle of a crowd… and among whatever wrongful characteristics I have in me, not having the ability to socialize in a normal way is the best… I always felt different, I always felt like I can't simply fit, when I tried to deny that fact, I started to get to know people (and that turned out to have its own consequences)… and now I'm imprisoned in this legacy of social relationships that I created when I was considered partially "sane"… and with more time passing by, the more I hate this spider web of lies, pretending to be someone else as soon as I see a face I recognize, being happy and living a lie and just throw whatever I feel in my heart and paint whatever mask fits for the occasion and get on with it… now this became more than a habit for me, it became a part of my nature, I can't show my true feelings anymore even if I want to, whenever I see someone I know, the acting begins, smiling, pretending that everything is ok, and when someone asks me how I'm doing I answer with confidence "I'm doing pretty much great thanks"… I have nothing to be thankful for except the hope in the far away horizon of dying some day, the sooner the better… everyday, I wake up for absolutely nothing, I have no reason to live for, my family can't stand me, my friends are drifting away from me because I became a different person lately, and the person I thought I'm in love with turned out to be a big fat lie… and everyday, life becomes simply harder, as if I'm not meant to be on this earth, like I'm a waste of time and space, a heart that can't handle the aches of this world shouldn't exist in the first place… but I don't think its far from over yet, something keeps on telling me that there are darkened days to come, I can't either kill my self or live because on both sides I'm a coward… in the past times I've attempted suicide, I always flunk, another failure… either I chicken out so the cut is not precisely on my wrist or it just misses and goes down a bit, or its me becoming used to having more than 10 pills of Prozac per day, or the fact that Diazepam doesn't get to me anymore… completely numb, completely dead… in the past few days, I felt like I'm a shadow of my own self, like I'm wandering off without a reason or a purpose in life… I felt like my whole existence is a mistake, someone's mistake… like I can't do any of this anymore… unfortunately, the spider web showed how much of a damage it is again… my friend Yara started asking me what's wrong, why am I folding over my self and not talking to anyone anymore… I didn't answer; I didn't even have the strength to look her in the eye, because I felt like I failed her, I failed everyone that ever expected anything from me… I just walked away and she said: call me… when I got back home after my lectures, my mom said to me: anything you feel like telling me? Your friend Yara passed by an hour ago and told me that you're not talking to anyone anymore at university… you can tell me anything, I'm your mother… I didn't say anything, I only had one thought in my head, how could she? That little bitch, she had no right whatsoever to do anything like that, so I just went out of my house and went to hers… I said: how on earth do you go off telling people about me? Am I a celebrity all out of the sudden? She said: you can at least say "thanks for being worried about me, you're a true friend"… I said: you're unbelievable; you call your self my friend at the same time where you go off spreading my news around to the people that couldn't care less about me feeling OK or not. Next time, be sure that you won't even live to tell anyone and you know I mean what I say… she said: awesome, now go… I was going down the stairs of the building and I wasn't in my best times ever, I didn't want to go back home because I felt like there might be a bit more questioning yet to be done by my parents… and the friend I had to talk to whenever I felt like I can't to talk to anyone else just proofed me wrong… I went a bit down from the building where Yara lives, which is not that far from where I live… I didn't feel like walking that much and the first thing I found in front of me was my old school again, and I thought to my self "what the heck"… I didn't go further inside, I almost stood on the door and I didn't want to go more inside because then I'll remember more things about the 8 years of my life I spend in this place… then I thought its not much of a good idea to hang out there, it will only remind me of all the bad things I did when I was in school and my policy of "I want it, I will take it" that I almost applied to everything, and then I remembered Ryan, yes, again… I didn't even know why I would think about him in such a time, it was the place… right outside the school's main gate, where he used to park his BMW and I jump in it after my classes are over… and I felt extremely stupid… for one simple reason, whatever I felt for Ryan in the past, and how I felt almost devastated if he even looked at someone else or didn't talk to me on one day, I felt almost a couple of days ago for Zaid… I felt like I'm 16 again, stuck in the day I knew that I am me, and not meant to be with someone… to be honest, I've never lived out of the shadow of that day, the day I knew I can't go on without the notion of either dying or destruction, and that’s where the war started, my war against everyone, a destruction spree, those were good time and I had fun… I can't say the same about the people that were sucked into the vortex of my thoughts, who became merely puppets in the game, my game… I didn't have anything to do except to sorrow my existence, so I just walked home, when I got in, I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water, my dad said to me: feel like talking, son? I said: just stop it ok? Everything is not ok, and don't act as it is ok, just leave me alone and I'll manage by my self, I don't need anyone of you, I don't need this, I just can't do this whole happy family play anymore, you and your happy family image can bite me, and if I don't fit in, then too bad, and if you just let me, I'll be gone faster than you can think of one of your mind blowing brilliant ideas… and now, you've got anything left to say? I didn't think so. And I went to my room and turned on music, I looked at the huge pentagram that is drawn on wall… and I looked at my blood on the wall, the blood that I write things that no one can understand on my wall when I cut my self… I closed my eyes with the desire to never wake up to spend another minute on this planet, in the morning, I woke up facing the same wall, and I saw the same blooded sentences, and I thought to my self: at least something decided to stay with me through the night after all… 
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2 comments:
I'll just go by anonymous because it makes my life easier. I'm reading your blog and literally feeling how you're feeling it's an extremely weird connection. Myself, I'm a gay Jordanian and I was born in Jordan I visit it often but I now live in North America, that's just a bit of a background about myself. I went through a phase much like what you're going through, one filled with anger towards anybody and everybody and one where I was literally drowning myself in a depression to the point I'd want to just end it all (luckily I believe suicide is completely and utterly wrong and I would never follow through with it). Can I give you a word of advice? Get rid of the gothic music and anything related to it. It might be your way of escaping but it does nothing in the long-run other than amplify the feelings of hate and depression that you are feeling. If this persists any longer you risk completely shadowing yourself with an emo-like persona (I apologize for using that word I read that you hate that word but I'm speaking in a realistic perspective that's all).
Anti-depressants are meant to be used in combination with self-motivation and personal will to eliminate the cause of the depression in the first place, they do not remove it themselves. It pains me to think you've cut yourself, please stop I'm not even joking. I've seen people develop a sort of dependence on it and who end up ruining their potential down the line of their lives heck there was even this 40 year old I heard about once that still cut herself even though she still had a family, think about it that's completely wrong and disgusting right?
My life isn't that great but I've accepted who I am and I know I will always be like this. I will never EVER tell my family (I think that's explainable) or any of the friends I know, I just simply can't. Though there are more gay people here I'm pretty much terrified of meeting any of them because here there is a much greater risk that you take when you meet them as opposed to in Jordan. Here there is the greater risk of disease and there is no way possible to know about someone's sexual history. As well, here people are less keen on keeping things utterly discreet... whatever you do there is the risk of being outed and I simply cannot take that risk because the thought of anyone knowing terrifies me. I don't know how I'll deal with this problem but I do know that feeling sorry for myself will not make it any better. Perhaps there will be some sort of unknown prospect once I move away from my family and go far away who knows I guess the uncertainty is what makes life a bit more exciting yet extremely challenging. Some people live without legs, some people live drinking water saturated with parasites, some people know that they will live to the age of 40 then die, and some people have a gay orientation. Don't let autumnal nostalgia blind you to the sounds and scents of the present's spring. I really hope you take my message to heart.
As stupid as it sounds, I know this is my hell and I can get out of it, but I love my hell, the last thing I ever want to do is to go out of my current life out to the real world, actually worse things happened now and I'm letterally friendless, now I'm "proud" to say that I've got no one in this world.. This sounds completely insane and doesn't make sense at all, but thats me.
And anti-depressants are kinda my candy.. It doesn't work with me anymore :)
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