Sleepwalking Past Hope...

I don't know why I do certain things in a certain way… a way that leads me to blaming my self at the end, knowing that I wasn't supposed to do whatever I have done in the first place… usually, people look at the weekend as the time to relax and run away from everything that is happening around the week… but for me, the weekend is not a day to relax, it is just another day… since I have this tradition of walking around my house everyday around sunset (the most time I hate of the day), it gets worse since people usually go out on Thursday mainly, and I am forced to talk to people that I didn't even think I could talk to… yesterday, I went out for the usual walk and to Starbucks to get some coffee… and as usual, Wakalat street was the usual sea of people at the weekend, I just felt like I don't want to be there, but since I am already there, I'd get it done and I'll get whatever what I want and go away, I turned the sound of my mp3 player to the max and walked as fast as I can just to get there… at some point, I just had to stop… I walked to a side street and stood over there, closed my eyes and just listened to the songs I had playing on my mp3 player… at the moment I closed my eyes, a song that I am obsessed with nowadays started playing… Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, lately, I have been listening a lot to Nightwish music, which is considered as a Symphonic Gothic Metal band… the last part of the song is the part that made me almost cry at that moment, which was the first time I ever paid attention to what Tarja said… she said: Redeem me into childhood, show me the real me without the shell… like the advent of May, I'll be there when you say, time to never hold our love… at that point, I just wanted to open my eyes, look next to me and find someone that I could at least relate to… and although it sounds a bit stupid, I did open my eyes, hoping that I will… but as usual, no one was there, it was just me alone by my self as always… I tried to pick up the remaining pieces of whatever multiple personalities I have and I continued to Starbucks, although Wakalat Street is not that much of a walk, but at that night, it felt like it took me ages to even go by a step over there… And when I walk, I either look at the floor or give a cynical hostile look to whom ever I look at, and I was damned to remove my sight off the floor, I looked at the tables outside Starbucks at the terrace… and I saw Zaid sitting with this guy over there, I acted as if I didn't even care about it, and just walked along inside to the counter just to get my coffee and my cheese cake and get going. While I was waiting for everything to be ready I found Zaid standing next to me, talking to me… I couldn't really figure out what he's saying since I had my headphones on, ironically, the song playing was "Planet Hell" by Nightwish again… he reached out and took my headphones out of my ears and said: hey stranger, it's been a while.. Why don't you answer your phone? I said: you know… I'm a big fan of the "silent mode" in my phone… he said: good to know you still have the same spirit. What brings you over here? I said: and why would I come to Starbucks, Their famous roasted chicken? He said: you can stop being cynical now or else I'll just go away… I said: is that a threat or a promise? Besides you already have your "date" to take care of… he said: that is not my date... But you know what? I'll go… another couple of minutes passed while I was still waiting for my order, it was almost ready when Zaid walked in again and said: I have to talk to you… I didn't say anything, I just ignored my order and walked out, I just wanted to go sit in my dark corner that I have always decorated with sentences written in my own blood, I just wanted to be there and cry for a reason I didn't even know… I felt like a moth getting closer and closer to the flame that it will eventually burn it, but the moth loves this flame more than its fear of death… but I was a chicken-moth and I just walked away from my flame… I almost got to the end of the street when I lost control and just turned around, found Zaid still standing and looking at me in a way I'll never forget… I said: you want to talk, fine, we can talk… he didn't say anything, he just walked, and I followed him, he stopped at an isolated side-street and kept looking at me in the same way… I had to say something, I said: you still want to talk or what? Do you want to talk about the fact that you went out with someone else and you called me right when you were with him? Hell I don't know even if it's someone or you're seeing more than one person… my vision started to get blurry as I started having tears in my eyes, yet he didn't respond, I didn't do anything after that, I just swallowed my own bitterness as I always do and said: have it your way, I have other things to do… before I even moved an inch to go, he kissed me… I didn't want to either respond or reject the kiss, but I pushed him away, he said: what did you that for? You don't know anything, the guy with me is my brother, he's back from outside the country and I'm just spending time with him, and he's the same guy I went out with when I called you in addition to some of his old friends, and our plan was to go to Abdoun but we went to Shmeisani to have something at Chili Ways restaurant, and I kissed you because I want to make you snap out of whatever bubble you're living in or simply so we can share our breaths for one last time… when he said that, my memory jumped back to the moment when we had our first kiss… when he said: I want to share every single breath I will ever breathe with you… that’s when he started talking again, he said: you have no idea what you do to me when you act like this, when I thought we broke up before 4 months I felt like I can't even breathe because I know that I will never get to share this breath with you ever again… and you know what, I don't care, you can be as much hostile as you want, but with me the rules have to change, because you're different, every guy I have ever dated before always called my his love or whatever names they ever thought of, but you were the first one ever to call me your soul mate… I know we are soul mates and I am not going to accept the idea that you and I have to go separate ways from now on, I just can't… even if you changed into this guy that lives in his own head, you're still the same person I knew and loved, and I still love.. You have never made me feel unwanted, even if you acted like you are rejecting me but the look on your face said the exact opposite… I just know that this is something that we could both live for… fuck I don't know anything anymore, I just know that I want you, and that’s all I could care about right now… then he stopped, we kept looking at each other and didn't do anything, at that point, it felt like words are simply unnecessary, and I felt like his words hurt me more than violence, simply because all of what he said is right, all of what he said is what was showing in his black eyes that were starring at me… then I said without thinking: why would you even care? He said: because it's you… you give me a feeling I've never felt like I'd feel, from the little things that we match in like how we always order apple juice together, to the fact that whenever we kiss, you put your hand on my chest as if you're trying to reach out to my heart to see if its still beating for you, and its still beating, all you have to do is just feel it… I didn't say anything, I had the part of Ghost Love Score playing in my head again, and I closed my eyes, knowing that I will find someone that my heart relates to as it always did… and I did open my eyes, he was still there, and he smiled, and he said: and what you're waiting for? I went along with my feeling and I kissed him, and I felt his still warm tears on my face, then he said: I love you… it was one of those moments that you feel like you're in a movie, that its like a written script of a fairy tale and it everything gets resolved in the end, but this has not been the end, this is just the beginning… then he wiped out his tears and said: I should go back to my brother… and when I call you, you'd better answer or the next time you come near to kiss me, I'll bite you… he rushed back to Starbucks and I still had the feeling of going back to my special wicked corner, this time I felt a bit happy for I thought I found someone who is willing to accept all of my issues… I got back on track and got my headphones back on, this time, the shuffler choice in the mp3 was Planet Hell by Nightwish… "A Deep World, A Dark Path, Not Even Crossroads To Choose From, All The Red Blood Carpets Before Me, Behold This Fair Creation Of God"…