The Triumph of Defeat

There are a million reasons for me to hate this world. Starting off with my own self and ending with what ever I've been through in this miserable time of being on this earth… I know the last post sounded a bit pinkish and happy, but its been always like that, as soon as I start feeling actually happy, everything just comes down in a second, the day after I had that time of my life along with Zaid, Ryan called, yeah yeah yeah… same old dull Ryan, the one that crashed and destroyed my whole existence almost 3 years ago… seems like he didn't learn from last summer's incident, I thought that was supposed to keep him away for at least a couple of a years… but NO… as he always does, he finds a way to wreck my world down to ruins… everyone I have unanimously agrees that the first relationship they had was the best… and as always, in my perverted world everything is upside down… Ryan was the worst mistake I have ever done; he was my school pass time and the let-loose place of all my teenage wickedness… I met him on the 29^th of September 2004 when I was 15 and in the worst time of my life (to my surrounding atmosphere, that is), he works in Virgin Records Austria and I was still this wicked creature that is still feeling his way out in this dark world… he was always somehow able to ignore whatever I say and just smile. Although that made me even more pissed off, he didn't seem to care at all; he was one of those guys that I call nowadays "the drugged people"… those people that act like everything will be OK when it just won't, like everything is painted in either bright gay pink or baby-boy blue… and since I was still a boy at that time, he used to call me his big baby boy, I despised that name since the moment I heard it, and I still do, whenever I remember it I just feel like I've been shifted back in time into that the awful period… although he is the person I hold such huge grudge for, yet I have some memories about him, he was the first one to make me feel the bitterness of love, how it feels to be forsaken, how it feels to be alone in the dark, talking to my self and bleeding for I have no reason to live… and it reminds me of the first Goth song I've ever listened to, again, H.I.M. or His Infernal Majesty was the first Goth band to conquer my little universe… Killing Loneliness… I remember the New Year's Ever of that night, I was in my bed with nothing else to do except sorrowing my own defeat… and the part that made the biggest impact on me in that period (and still to this moment) was " Nailed to the cross, together… As solitude begs us to stay, disappear in the night, forever… And denounce the power of death over our souls and secret words are sent to start a war"… That was the first time I had the chance to even think about the "Power of Death"… before that, I was this regular teenage, and just another one that thinks that death is a plague, a curse, a bad thing to happen… And I spent more than half a year only listening to that song, until I watched the video of it on TV… Seeing the heartagram for the first time, and the "eye liner" Goths, I was totally amazed… I had this false impression that Goths are like Satanists because of the "black clothes" style… Ryan was the first person ever to make me write the cursed words of love, devotion and emotions over a tree that was in my school, which I cut down with my own hands as a part of the "moving on" process…

Ryan and I stayed for quite a while, which was the most memorable thing about him, that him and I did last for a while… I still don't know if I was right by convincing my self that I stopped loving him… because, at some point, I must hate him for leaving like that because I still do have some emotions for him… I don't know… last year, when he came with his new Swedish boy-toy… Tim, a person that would be recognized as a model, and he is really dumb like a blond model… when I first saw them together, I was hanging out with my friend Yara, that’s when she said: isn't that Ryan? I couldn't help but to look, and I was unfortunate enough that he was looking that way also; he started walking towards me… I had to put on a face of the many faces I've got, so as always I went for the sarcastic "Whatever!" face… He came and said: hey Yara, how is it going? Yara said: always a pleasure to see you Ryan, I know that Yara hates him, at least because I brought her headaches over what I used to tell her about him over and over again... I was remembering that period when he said: you changed; you look taller… and happy… I said: Yeah right… All of that because you went to far far away to Brussels... that’s when he said: Tim, this is my ex-boyfriend MJ and his friend Yara… I kind of chuckled hearing that, he said: and what makes you all giggly now? I said: I hope you didn't come up with a ridiculous nickname for this "Tim"… Tim said: and what is that supposed to mean? I said: baby, you won't get it even if you had a brain… Ryan said at that point: enough of this, we're going, later… I said: thank goodness, now go away… the rest of the evening went by slowly, I was thinking about Ryan... Me and him, and what we used to be… Yara was talking to me and I wasn't really paying attention, she said: hey, if you have something to say to him then go say it, don't keep me talking as a dumbass here with my self… I said: no I don't think I have anything to say… let's just go home ok? She said: I have to go see my sister, so I'll catch later… I said: fine, later… when I got to the end of Wakalat Street, I found Ryan in his BMW Z4, he was looking at me in this weird way, Tim wasn't with him, so he said: hop in, I'll drive you home… I said: just run over me, for me that would be easier than talking to you… he said: what's wrong? I just want to talk to you… in my head, voices were screaming NO, NO, NO, DON'T… but I did, I had a déjà vu about how he used to pick me up after school, and remembered all of that, fit felt like I'm the same insecure fragile teenager again… he started driving and said: you know how I feel about you, right? I said: do we really have to do this after you run over me? He said: why are you like this, you were the one that asked me to just go, or you forgot that part? I said: and that was closure, no need to do more questioning… besides, I'm not considering getting committed in anything right now… he said: as if I can find anything I'd care less about than your troubled love life… I said: you shouldn't have asked in the first place then… then there was a long period of silence when he broke it by saying: why? Why did you ask me to go? I said: to be honest I still don't know, but I had to change things, you don't know how weird that period was for me and throwing you away was the first resolution to be made in order to change everything… he said: throwing me away? And you say I don't know? For your information, I did know, hell I was your boyfriend… I said: that doesn't matter now, its history anyway, he said: it does, you destroyed something great with your own hands. I said: and I'm sure I can live with that… then he stopped and looked at me, the same way he used to 3 years ago… and he kissed me… all of me was screaming "NO, RUN AWAY" but I couldn't resist… and I felt something, I felt this old feeling rushing back in, it felt like it has been forever since I felt like this for someone… and then he moved back, and he said: I know you felt something, I felt it in the way you responded to my kiss, just like you always did, you threw away something that was totally amazing, but its never too late to get it back, it all depends on you. I didn't know what to say except: yes, I will take you back… and he held my hand and said: I promise I'll never fail you ever again, if I ever failed you before… I painted a smile upon my face while I was storming up inside, thinking of the consequences of what just had happened… then he said: I'll move back from Brussels within 3 weeks from now, I just need to sort out some things… I said: before you sort out anything, you go and dump Tim… he said: consider that done… he's nothing and he'll never be… I was trying to enjoy whatever was happening but I couldn't… he drove me home and said: I'll call you… I didn't say anything, I just walked away, I got into my bed and I felt like I'm sinking into my own sea of sand, what have I done? All I could've think of was how Ryan left before without saying a word, and I was more determined than ever to get my revenge for that, although I caused that my self… the next day, I was in the same spot as the day before but Yara wasn't with me this time, and Tim showed up, he said: well, well… if it isn't you… I said: don't you have something to buy, say like a brain? He said: do I hear bitterness? I said: no, that’s your own brain trying to process something out of your league… he said: keep up the hostile attitude and I'll be gone faster than you can say "screw you"… I said: and is that a threat or a promise? He walked away and I couldn't see any sign on his face that Ryan dumped him yet… I had the idea of postponing my plan for a while in my mind… and so on 3 days went by, when I was peacefully in Starbucks, when Tim showed up and said: bitch, how dare you? I said: go get some Prozac, its not my fault that you're not good enough… and he simply felt that you can't fill the void that I've left, so you just move on and go suck on something else… he said: this is far from over… I said: and I'm sure I look on the outside as frightened as I am on the inside… that night, I saw Ryan where he said: I have to leave tonight to Belgium to arrange papers and things, I'll be back in 2 days but I will call you meanwhile… I said: sure... bye… when he called the day afterwards saying: I'm almost done with everything, and I'll be over there in Amman as soon as possible. I said: Don't bother to come back… he said: what? I said: it's been fun watching you breakup with your boyfriend and everything, but I can really spare being with you right now… he said: no, you didn't just do that... I said: yes I just did that, I toyed you like a sucker and you fell for it… and the most fun part was watching your toy boy Tim all swallowed and red and furious... just like your departure 2 years ago wrecked everything for me, I just got my revenge back… see you in an another life time and enjoy whatever is left for you.

And that was pretty much all of it, this was one of many times of what I would do just to satisfy my ego or just to get my revenge… but when Ryan called me this spring, I couldn't process anymore… I felt like I'm the same sick twisted teenager that I've always been, that I can't even grow out of being this… immature… and after I hung up on him, I smashed my phone to the floor, I felt as if I have to do something about it, I had to let it out, and the first thing I had in my hand was my phone… and all the way back from university, I was absent minded, didn't say any word to anyone… and when I got home, I didn't know what else to do than to cut my own wrist, I felt as if I can't live anymore, I felt like I'm not even meant to live, as if I'm a failure, and in order to save others from my own self I should get it over with… and that was the reason why I decided to tell Zaid that I can't go on with this, even if I have feelings for him, its just impossible for me to go on…