He Belongs To The Dark..

While wanting to be my self, I keep falling backwards, knowing that I might never be able to achieve the goal that I want, which is the total freedom from human emotions, which are somehow considered to be a sign of weakness… For me, I keep on trying to become this person that does not have any emotions, that cannot be hurt or touched, but I just can't… Probably that is something in the human nature, but it is for the fact that I, my self, am a very emotional person, which I consider somehow stupid or just wrong… for always my emotions have got me in trouble, and I think that my previous blogs show more than a clear example for that.. Or because whenever I wake up, go to bed or simply do anything, I just think to my self: why the heck am I all alone like this? Actually I am used to this kind of thoughts since I was 15 (when I practically came out) but when I became 16 and I was considered "a seed of evil" and "the sinful" and "a part of the end of the times (referring to the fact that in some religions, the end of times will come when adultery and Sodom-ism will take over the world and this world will become all filled with sins, waiting for its savior whom varies in each religion by its own beliefs)" in that time, I somehow felt that my whole existence is wrong, which led me to self hate… and that was somehow similar to a civil war inside my self, I just kept destroying and building the aspects of my soul, until the final blow from my self came upon my self: total destruction… for at that time, when I was completely destroyed, I was out of what I consider the last relationship that I will ever have, and the results were numerous, and moreover dark-sided, such as preferring death over life, and the dark colors that I usually wear, and also not talking too much.. But the most effective decision of all of those was not believing in love anymore... I decided that love is just self deception, that was the cold hard truth that usually no one wants to neither know nor admit, its just the fact that the humans have always lived upon, still living on and will live to do in every time of their being, we as humans are simply greedy creatures, whatever we have in our hands or pockets, we want more of it or of whatever we can get.. The fact that the more we have the more we want is proofed on each and every human that have lived... but we all end up sipping up our tears, swallow our bitterness and "move on".. and that’s what people do… moving on is simply not the answer for moving on is somehow erasing the mistakes and aches that we have lived through, moving on is simply a process of painting our pains in "happy " colors or some people might even go further and completely erase them.. For my self, I am not similar to any of those two mentioned types of people above... Whenever I feel like I have a problem, I think about it for ever and ever, even if it was of no matter… I just bury it inside, piling up hatred on and on and on... building up little floors that belong to the skyscrapers of revenge, whenever I feel a grudge for someone, I never forget or let it go, some people might say that it is a typical January Capricorn approach, it may be since I have no other explanation for it… But I know other people that are January Capricorns, and they do not act like this, they do not feel like it is a crucial thing to be acting like this in order to get "payback" or "revenge"… some of them act really dumb to the point that they rush having their revenge to the point that they lose the opportunity to ever have it, and for that, that made me even feel more different than everyone else, for some people might call it snobbish, but I can't help but thinking about the idea that I am superior in some way… and I know I am, people usually tell me that I am a smart guy, that I have whatever it takes to be a successful person, and that I act somehow older than my real age, in a more mature way… but they only say so because they do not know the real me… the real me is a bit different from all of those things… I am smart, I admit, but I can't study what I am told to study, I always read books that I am not required to read (such as politics)… I rarely open my university (or school books before I entered university), and I do not see my self as a true successful person, because simply a successful person has to be social and interactive and have "relations" with his surrounding atmosphere… but for me, I usually don't talk to my own family in the first place to talk to people from "the outside"… and for I have my own way of thinking, which some people might consider wicked or demonic, I am usually talking to my self… and I do act in a more mature way than my age, not in everything, in some things, I do some really stupid irrational things, and on the other hand, I always weigh things in my mind before acting or speaking… and that leads us to one more conclusion, whenever I do something stupid and irrational, the motive behind that are my emotions, like the time I kissed A.J., the purpose of that was erasing the emotions I (still) have for Zaid by replacing them with new ones for A.J., and that made my college days sometimes unbearable… after I kissed A.J., I did not talk to him anymore except for "hi" & "bye"… on the day that we were supposed to sign up for classes, I had to sign up for new classes in the Faculty of Science since I changed my major into C.S., but I had to choose which of the subjects that I already took will be calculated in my overall average… so I had to go to my old faculty, the Faculty of Planning & Management, and there I was standing in the line peacefully (talking to my self in my mind, of course), and at that moment, A.J. pulled me away from my own thoughts… he said: hey, what you're doing here? I thought you changed your major and we won't be seeing you here for good… I said: I have to do some paper work… he said: well, do you want to spend time by talking till your turn comes? I didn't reply or say anything; I just looked back to the girl's hair in front of me, trying to keep my self occupied by counting how many hairs she has in her head… he said: why are you doing this? Ignoring me like this? Did I do something wrong or is it because of whatever happened between us? I was soaking into my own mission of hair-counting when he said: you and I need to talk, right now… I said: whatever you want to say, you can say it over here, there's nothing to hide… at this point, the small circle of people surrounding us seemed a bit interested in what is going on, all of them started looking at the both of us… that’s when A.J. said to me: look, instead of making a pleasant day-time series for those people, walk with me… and for some stupid reason in my head I did… we got to "backyard" of the university, which is somehow considered to be the empty place that is for couples… he said: why are you acting like this? Is it because I stopped our kiss the other day? I said: that is something I wouldn't care less about, but you should know that stopping it was a good thing after all, look at me, I'm having the best time of my life right now talking to you… He said: very funny… why don't you just tell me what's bothering you? If it's necessary for you to know, I do like you and I am willing to try something that might be actually good… I said: well, I don't really think that I would be able to even move my hand to show you how much this doesn't matter to me, it simply doesn't matter to me if your highness likes me or not, its just for I don't think I can afford using my heart anymore, I have sealed it and threw the key far faraway… he said: why? It's obviously not good for your social image in university or anywhere else… I said: the last thing I could care about now is what people think about me, and whatever follows that of the so called "social image"… he said: you are simply unbelievable, whenever you seem calm and not willing to do anything to blow the situation, you do it, you blow everything up as if it’s the end of the world… I said: and that’s supposed to be a bad thing? He didn't respond, he didn't even look at me, he simply walked away… I was trying to maintain the "whatever" attitude on my face to seem like I don't care… but what was going in my head was completely different… I kept having a déjà vu of that kiss over and over again… and I felt like I have to tell him that I only kissed him to get over another… and at that point, I started talking to my self again, this time in a loud voice, I didn't feel like hiding my thoughts anymore since practically no one is around… at that point, I felt like crying for a stupid reason that I didn't even know.. Was it because I am actually starting to have feelings for A.J.? Or is it because I still have feelings towards Zaid that I didn't even want to admit I still have? While I was sinking into my own pile of thoughts a couple of people passed by and they kind of heard me speaking to my self… one of the guys said: are you ok? I didn't say anything… I didn't even know what to say if I wanted to say something… so I kind of picked up my things, and walked away, I wasn't really feeling like going back to the registration office in the faculty so I headed to the university buss, I felt like I want to go to my room and just turn the music as loud as I can to stop these voices in my head… when I finally got my seat in the university buss, the same couple of people that saw me a bit earlier were behind me in the buss… and they started saying things about me… I overheard two or three sentences… "Watch out or he's gonna give us the "bad look" again" "don't piss him off or he'll haunt you at night"… and then, I couldn't hear them any longer… I just felt like I have enough problems as it is to deal with those insects… so as usual, I got one of my books out, got my mp3 player, and started reading while listening to self sorrowing Gothic Rock again… the book I was reading is a book I had since I was 7, its almost 1200 pages and I read it for a million times already… and I opened up on this page, that I wrote something on it when I was 16… another "talking to my self" incident that is documented on paper this time… it said "Please awake, and see the truth, you should never listen or believe whatever your heart tells you. Remember who you are, what you stand for. And that you will always be alone"… this time, I picked up my pen and completed the sentence… "For you belong to the dark"…