Fear The Dark...

Now that i have become like this, there's still a part of me that rejects all of this hatred and the desire to be just alone, there's actually a part that still believes something might happen.. that i might actually feel for someone, i don't think its impossible that i will ever feel for someone, but the question is will this someone feel for me? sometimes when i'm alone, i just feel like i do need someone, like i could beat for someone, or at least feel for someone, but when i go outside, and see all of the people i used to call my friends and the guys i liked before, i just feel that being alone in my dark room listening to Gothic rock is better than going out.. so i spend more time in my room now, just listening to music, writing or sometimes crying.. i feel as if i lost control of everything i still seize control upon.. it feels like being dead is better than living this life, now that might sound a bit creepy, but why to look at death from a bad perspective? death is freedom, its the freedom of the human soul from this life that is full of lies, deceit and sins.. the soul is like a bird and the cage is the human body, by death you grant freedom to the bird, and by keeping it in that body, at least for a while, and letting it become vulnerable and an easy target for other humans, it brings doom upon itself, i'm not saying that being alone is better, being that open and optimistic and acting as if everything will be just ok and that everything is fine, now that is wrong, at least be somehow reasonable, i don't deny that i'm somehow extreme by favoring death over life and being this dark and evil, but acting as if everything is ok is just self deception, its not right to lie to your self because lying on your self is the first step to self destruction, and i've been there before, its not fun to be there at all.
No hopes, no expectations, no disappointments, its as simple as that, just by thinking about the whole situation of love and emotions and whatever is linked to that will simply lead, that will cause expectations or hopes, and having either expectations or hopes would rather lead to disappointments, because we almost never ever get whatever we want or want we intend to have.. so it is simply easier to ignore the whole thing.. no need to be social or anything, actually its irritating for me, all of that social stuff, weddings and dinner parties and pubs and people at university, i never like crowds since i never felt like i fit in, and now i understand why, in the past, i used to change my way of thinking to please others, to feel like i fit in, but not anymore, whenever i am asked about my opinion, i simply say what is on my mind, which made people talk less and less to me, and also get kinda scared by my ideas that are all linked to blood, darkness and the pentagram.. but i don't care, i am happy with what i am and i don't have any single problem with being this, even if it means that only 1 or 2 people that i will really talk with, i don't care, this actually makes me feel special, being this.. "evil", whenever i come in a lecture hall or any hall at university, everyone stops talking and everyone stops talking and looks at me.. it feels like everything in the room is pointing at me and i just want to spin the faces away from my but my courage is selling out now and as if i'm being prepared to be crucified infront of all those people.. but i just walk past them to my seat, and on the way i hear people whispering "here's the satanic guy" or "here's the guy that doesn't talk except to himself or his shadow".. but its wrong, being goth is not the same as being satanic, satanism is about worshiping devil like in the church of satin, but Gothicism is a culture that lived and ruled from the Baltic sea to the Adriatic sea, and it still lives until now, but only because Goths wear black and always have beliefs that are linked to dark norsk mythology they are considered satanists? Goths believe in god, and in angels, but they simply prefer life over death, and i have explained before what is the reason of that, but it is the natural fear in the human nature, its the fear of everything different, the fear of change, the fear of creativity that will knock thrones down and make new powers arise.. the same thing goes with the gay issue, people just hate things that are different, but they accept it after a while because they get used to it, but the change it self is a hated process by every single human being.. and that is the reason why people have turned their backs once again to me, because i'm simply different.. i don't care, its simply their problem not knowing what a special personality i am.. they just fear the dark that they came out from in the first place...