Descending Into The Underworld...

Its been a while..
In the past month, alot of things happened.. I became more "Dark" oriented.. I just couldn't stand the idea that there's actually something good in this world.. and so began my Gothic obsession.. I was into Gothic Rock, but not to the point of addiction, i used to listen to Pop and Techno music, but now, its all Gothic Rock.. and it makes me cry, because i know what i am, yet i like, and i don't want to change it, i am actually proud of being wicked, and now, all i can do is draw pentagrams wherever i go, and listen to gothic rock, i usually wear dark colors now, i don't talk alot anymore, even to my friends.. i'll start explaining now..
almost a month ago, since whatever happened with A.J. happened, i started ignoring everything, especially as he didn't talk much to me at university, probably of my hostile attitude, and whenever i think about someone i have a single emotion to, i feel like i'm losing my heart, as if i'm frozen, i just can't feel anything anymore, its hard to describe, i made a promise to my self, i have no heart, and so on, i won't act as if i have one, i will be the deceiver of fools, the deceiver of hearts... i've gone too far with this actually, i have this Goth friend from Syria.. and him and I established the kingdom of dark light, and we signed the pact with drops of blood, the pact talked about being this "special" is always rejected, being evil is rejected just because people have this instinct fear of the darkness... now whenever someone talks to me, i say what i have signed on in that pact, that i do choose death over life, over this mortal life, full of lies, mistakes and grief, i choose to be different, in more than one way, and no one will ever reject me.. people actually started to go away from my "zone" because i do such thing, the cut marks on my wrists, the loud goth music, the "kingdom of dark light" pact and its terms.. being this is simply being me, and i will not give it up even it will cost me my own life.. which is not much of a bad thing if you think about it that much..
People that already knew me before are sorrowing what i have became, i used to be this talkative nice next door guy.. now that i only answer with "yeah" or "whatever" or just give a sarcastic look and walk away.. they think i need therapy.. they either call me a freak or crazy or they just nod their heads in sympathy and walk away... but when i look back, thats the way its always been, everyone used to walk away, why should it be that much different now? now that i have became pure, i do not care about anything in this world except my self, call it egocentric, but thats the way it works, caring about others only got me heartache, a heartache i cannot neither erase nor deal with... a part of me has always been this hateful.. i remember when i was younger, probably 14 or 15, whenever i have a fight with anyone, i used to crawl to a corner in my room, make it all dark outside me, and crying while promising my self to enjoy the destruction of everyone to the max, and thats mainly the meaning of Goth music.. how it is unfortunate to live.. how i should enjoy my pain, and this life is just a gate that a soul goes through to enjoy pain and then have salvation.. and imagining emotions as creatures that i can kill.. such as my loneliness.. i admit i am alone, and i have no problem in it at all.. i somehow knew i was destined to a life of loneliness, yet i kept deceiving my self, wishing that i could find this person that can change the whole equation.. but i just knew i was wrong all the way long, and now, i am more sure than ever.. not Zaid, not Ryan, not A.J., not anyone.. it was just all self deception, i might have had some emotions, but it was a waste of time, because non of the above deserved it, and no one does, no one will ever understand me, at least no one ever did so far, so why to go through all that trouble? i'd rather preserve my heart and my emotions better than being shattered endlessly on the razorblades of love... my heart deserves something better, i deserve something better, something i will never ever get...