The Circle Of Fear..

i didn't know what to do exactly after what i heard, i hung up without leaving a message, hoping my number didn't get stored there as a caller with no message, and he'll know about it, so i had to act fast, so i sent him a message, saying that i need to talk to him.. he didn't reply at first, after 2 hours, i got a reply saying: i'm at starbucks now.. come and we'll talk.. i got ready fast and went there, i found him in our favorite corner.. or at least it used to be so.. he said: finaly you decided to show up, it's been a while.. i didn't say anything, kept looking at him, and he said after 15 minutes of constant staring: aren't we gonna say anything? like for example.. why did you block me on msn? i said: you didn't come online for a long time, so i thought you didn't wanna talk to me anymore, and i already have lots of people on my msn, so i had to clear some space.. he said: so thats what i am to you, just a space on your msn, right? i said: you know you're more than that, don't be like this now.. he said: fine, how are your exams, and your university? i said: all going ok, i got exams next week, he said: good luck.. i said: and your exams? he said: actually very bad, there was a fire in our house a week ago, and my dad is in the hospital now.. and i'm doing like crap.. at that exact moment, all i felt like was reaching out to touch his hand.. i simply felt as if i was with my guy again.. there was this silence again, and i suddenly said without thinking: do we still stand a chance? he said that depends on one thing, what is the chance that you want? in the last week, that was the worse week of my life, and i totally felt like i want to die, but i had to be the person that everyone knew, the fake smile and the whole package, but inside of my, i used to feel like i'm dying, i needed someone to be my friend, my love, to kiss me, to hold me when i feel like i got nothing in this world.. i simply needed you, but you didn't even care, or at least thats what i thought.. i said: in the last month, on the way to and back from university, i used to think about you all the time, i felt like i want to be in a world where i can be with you, without having to fake anything or any emotions, he said: that doesn't change anything, you weren't there when i needed you, it only takes only 2 seconds to say i love you, but it takes a lifetime to show it.. and you simply didn't make me feel like i could go on in such a relationship, you were the one who said: i'm done first. i said: i wasn't thinking clear back then, all that i want is to show you how i really feel, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and hopefully what i did didn't kill what was between us, and it will make it only stronger.. he said: well.. i need some time, i will think about it and let you know.. i said: at least give me a sign.. something to live on.. he said: walk with me. we walked to the corner where we first kissed, and he looked me in the eye, and he said: if you're asking about my heart, its still yours, i shouldn't have let you go in the first place, even if you act like such a buffoon stupid irrational idiotic unreasonable jackass.. i said: are you done? he said: i think so.. and i kissed him, it lasted for almost 4 seconds, before he said: i'm mad at you, don't come near me, you can say enjoy my back saying goodbye to you. he walked away, i wanted to feel that he was saying that after we we're back together, like he's just trying be a little bit of a bitch on his guy.. but i didn't know what to think anymore, i was simply caught in the middle of my own circle of fear...

Sleeping With Ghosts..

its been a month since i last wrote here, although i've been through so much in this month, and it all worths mentioning here, but i've been a little bit busy at university, had exams, and other stuff. as i mentioned before, after breaking up with Zaid, it felt good, only for the first 4 or 5 days, then i started to realize what i lost, at least i had someone to think about before i go to sleep, or when i wake up, or when i'm back from university on the way on the bus, and all those voices around me talking to me, but i'm thinking about being with one person only.. but i knew it was for no use, i decided to "throw it all behind" and i started my obsession with H.I.M. the rock band, and Placebo, their songs were kind of representing how i exactly felt, thats why i chose this title to my blog today, Sleeping With Ghosts, is a recent song by Placebo, i still remember the moment after i told Zaid that we are done together, he looked at me in a way i'll never forget, like he's asking me why, but i had to show my aggressive and hostile nature, and i said to him: anything else? thought so, i'll be gone now and you enjoy the scene of my back saying goodbye to you. i was like 15 minutes away from home, so i started listening to music on my mobilephone, and Placebo's Sleeping With Ghosts played randomly. and as much as i tried to look strong, and not even showing people around me that i'm not destroyed inside, i had to stop, and go to the corner where i first kissed Zaid, and i was listening to the same song over and over again, "soulmates never die" but when i look around, i'm just by my self, and the soulmate that i'm supposed to have, is gone, and all because of me. its just that i always knew that there's something wrong with my personality, that makes people turn around and leave any moment, so i had to become this hostile, i was very fragile and i still am, i felt that i might get dead, at least inside, if i keep getting left over and over again, so i had to build me, my self, from zero, just to show that i can, and i will not be weak, and if that means i have to sacrifice my emotions and feelings inside, then let it be, but there are times that i just feel like i can't go on, that i have to throw this interface away, and be with someone, for real, and now is one of those times, the day before yesterday, it was a holiday, and i didn't have any homeworks and it was cold outside, so i stayed in my bed, and i got out my diary book when i was 16, when i was with Ryan, and i started reading it, and remember what i felt like when i wasn't.. me, and when i was done, i remembered everyone i've ever dated, been with, anything. starting with Mohammed, Ryan, Gus, Rami, Mohammed, Yazan, William, and now, Zaid. i wanted to call him, but i didn't know what to say, but i picked up my phone, and dialed his number, i still remember it although i erased it.. and he didn't answer, it was his voicemail that answered after 6 rings, and the message was: if this is anyone from university, i'm working on my graduation project, if this is anyone trying to sell anything, don't bother, i'm not buying, and if this is MJR, i still love you. i simply didn't know what to say, after what i've done to him...