Keep Pulling Backwards And Forward...

Let's see.. now after whatever is going on between me and Zaid, things that usually ruin a relationship started to appear, yeah me and him are in a relationship, after the other day, he asked me to be with him.. anyway i met Khaled on the same day, i told him that i finally "settled" that i finally found a guy.. he said: tell all.. who is he? what does he look like? tell me every single detail.. i started talking about him,. he suddenly said: stop here, i know him, he's just a guy that says he wants a relationship to have sex and after 2 or three times he breaks it up.. also Khaled's boyfriend, Assir said the same to me, i told them both: i'll just see what i can do, i won't lose anything.. Khaled said: i'm just saying this for your own sake.. i didn't know what to say.. at that moment, Zaid called me, told me that he's waiting and he wants to see me at that moment, i said: sure, give me a sec and i'll be with you, i got there, he kissed me on my cheek and i felt like i'm dying inside, that this great guy that is everything i want has simply turned out to be this.. thing, he looked me in the eye, and said: whats wrong? wanna sit with me and talk about it? so we found a seat and i said: do you want this to last? he said: ofcourse i want it to last, i want to wake up next to you every single morning left in my life, you are everything that i want, you're sooooo cute and soooooo sweet, and i wanna spend the rest of my life laying with you in our bed just looking in your eyes. At that moment, Assir came and said: hey, me and Khaled wanna talk to you for a moment, i said to Zaid: give me a sec and i'll be back, he said: sure.. so Assir said: look, i know what you're gonna say in advance, that you don't care and that you're gonna try and you feel like he really loves you and that crap, but you're my friend and i care about you.. i told him: i'm willing to take my chances with him.. he said: ok, you remember Yousef? i said: sure. (he was a guy i met on the tawjihi (highschool) results night with Khaled, and he wanted us to get into a relationship but i was like: no thanks!!) Assir said: he was Zaid's ex-bf, and he told me and Khaled that he's just into sex and looks at guys as a victory to achieve.. at that moment, i didn't know what to think, i said: ok.. i'll see.. and i walked back to Zaid, i just felt like i'm looking at a totally different person, that he's not that sweet caring guy that i always wanted, i felt sooo bitter inside and i had to swallow my own bitterness and answer him when he asked: is there something wrong? i said: no no, just another fight between Khaled and Assir.. he held my hand and looked into my eyes and said: wanna tell me anything? i hesitated at first but then said: do you really love me? he said: i'm not gonna answer this question again, because you already know the answer. i said: fine, don't, say anything else, whatever you want. there was a silence for like 5 minutes and several eye contacts.. then he said: last year when i went to Lebanon for a month for summer vacation, i used to have sex 6 times a day, i said: i should care because? he said: hey look at that waiter, he's really hot.. his words were getting more and more stupid, so i told him: on my way here, i met Alaa', my boyfriend in highschool, i said a couple of words to him, he said if i wanna come to hang out at his place i'm more than welcomed, i gave Zaid a smirk kinda smile and finished my sentence, he got pissed off suddenly and said: and why did you talk to him? why did you tell him that you'll come to his house? i thought you had a boyfriend already. i told him: so what if i talk to another guy? i can't even have friends? he said: sure you can, then he looked away, and stopped talking to me at all.. i wanted to get his attention so i held his face in my hands and looked him in the eye, he said: let go, people are looking.. i said: fine, i'm gonna sit with Khaled and Assir, if you want me you know where to find me, he said: fine. i said: you're unbelievable.. Khaled noticed when i got to them, he said: whats wrong? problems in heaven already? i told him to go fuck him self.. he said: ohhhhhhh he's got the attitude now.. so i walked away from them both, i didn't know where to go so i went to an isolated corner near the Adidas shop.. and started to listen to the music i got on my cellphone, the song that played randomly was "Red Dress" by the Sugababes.. "And when you show, you'll never let him play you again, sure put on your favorite smile" i closed my eyes and just kept listening to the same song over and over again, after i listened for it like 20 times, i felt like there's someone watching me, so i opened my eyes and i found Khaled looking at me, he said: look at you, Qais in his all mighty and power, Qais that always has this powerful attitude and the great confident smile that confuses anyone, what happened to you? all of this because of a guy that doesn't even worth you thinking about him? you'd better get a grip before you fall.. and when you fall, remember everything you did and every one will come back seeking revenge, every single guy you ever insulted, destroyed.. all will come back, and trust me, at that moment, i won't have your back because i will be risking my own self.. i said: good, you're done here? cause i gotta do something here. he said: do what? i said: let me check, yeah, not listening to crap from you.. he said: fine, i warned you.. i saw Zaid from a distance, he was looking at me, still on the same bench, something inside me told me that i should go talk to him, even if we talk to eachother like bitches i'd be fine with it, at least i'd get to be near him, so i got up, and i put on my favorite confident smile, i saw Assir walking by with a couple of Pepsi from him and Khaled, i smiled to him and he smiled back, when i got to Zaid, i said: i just asked you to say three words, if i knew they'll cause all of this, i would've never asked you to say them, save your self the trouble to explain cause i'm walking away.. i walked back home, on the way i saw Khaled driving in his car around, said a quick hi, laid on my bed and instantly fell asleep.

Dear Audience, We Interrupt This Broadcast To Bring This Urgent News Report...

Ziad, a new guy i met, we share the same way of thinking almost 99%, but he's not as stubborn as i am :P he's so sweet and so romantic but he's taken, again another guy i like and he's simply "not available".. thats why i decided to do everything i can to break it up between him and his.. "guy".. and so far its going perfecto mondo, i made him say the three magical words to me.. "i love you" more than once, but what made me feel a little bit guilty about it is when i kissed him, he kept his nose close to mine, he said he wanted us to share everything even our breaths, he's a great kisser and i will feel extremely stupid if i every hurt him.. but i will feel even more stupid if i let him get away like this, he's everything i want in one package, he's so freakin cute, he doesn't have anything special like colored eyes or whatever, i always cared about the personality more and he combines both the personality and the looks, but again, i don't wanna rush things like i did before... but at the same time it feels so right and so perfect, its been like 4 days since i met him and i can't stop thinking about him, especially the first time he said he loves me.. he was laying his head on my chest and it was like 1 am and complete silence outside, he suddenly told me: i love the smell of your skin, i love the way you get so shy when i look you in the eye, i love the way you look at me when you get mad at me, i love the way you talk soooo bitchy and sooooo defensive when you're mad at me, i love the way you always play with my hair, i love the way that you always play with your bracelet.. i started to beat really fast and he totally got that cause duh his head was on my chest.. so some silence, and then i said: so? thats all? he said: whatelse you wanna hear? i told him to forget it, i pushed him away from me cause i was frustrated and i wanted to hear something particular.. so i got up and started looking out the window, i only felt him suddenly behind me, his hands around my waist, whispering in my ear: i love to tease you like this, its only because i love you.
now its gonna be the 5th night we spend together, but nothing serious happened.. just some kissing and we laid in bed together, i'm not gonna do anything unless i'm 100% sure about this, but i'm already 99.99999999999999999% sure about him...

Its not always rainbows and butterflies...

What the fuck is wrong with this world? a question that pops up in my head whenever i see a couple or something i don't have.. So either i destroy that thing or get something better. thats exactly what happened with William.. William is from Madaba and he's half Sulti half Madabawi :P so he got our blood in him.. so i don't know where he got my MSN ID from, i guess from hi5, anyway we started talking.. he was in Australia when we started talking, and we started to like eachother, so he was coming to Amman after a couple of weeks when he finishes college over there, and we agreed to hang out for a couple of days, and more on with time i started to get closer to him, knowing everything about him.. and eventually started to think about "it".. the forbidden word.. being in a relationship with him, although he was shorter than me by 18cm but i'll live!!! more and more every day we started to plan what we're gonna do.. even the way we were gonna touch eachother.. every single moment we're gonna spend, and finally he came to Amman, and the "net attraction" became reality, we even liked eachother more in real.. and he was definitely what i wanted after the whole crap that happened with Rami & Khalid.. we spent 3 hours speaking (apparently he was just "checking" how smart i am, and i impressed him :P) after a week it was pretty obvious that we are ready to tell everyone involved in our lives that we are in a relationship now.. although we didn't think about it, about the fact that every single word we say to eachother makes us even more close, we didn't have to face the fact that we were separated and now we met... once i started questioning our "relationship".. he told me that are supposed to be like this, that we wanted eachother before since before we were born, i asked him if we are supposed to have this argument also, he said: ofcourse, because when i finish this sentence i'll be making it up for you by kissing you.. he just knew what to say and especially when to say it, when i first met him i thought i won't fall for him and he'd be just a friend.. i thought he wasn't my kind and i'll never fall for him, but i did, after 6 weeks of constant nagging, making up and falling in love even more and more, he had to go back to Australia, that was the turning point for our relationship, he told me that if i wait for him, he'll be mine and only mine also.. i told him that this is not supposed to be happening, that all of this passion will just go away in a second. he said that it won't go away, that it will stay even if we're not together.. that he doesn't want to be another descending chapter in this life, and he wants to be a one to stay.. but both me and him knew that it won't work out.. we didn't dare to say how much we love eachother before, and now we don't dare to admit the fact that its meant to end, i stayed in bed that morning, on the morning he had his flight to Perth.. the last thing i remember is him kissing my forehead and saying: for ever and for always..

Finally... It Happened!

The day afterwards, I saw Rami again, of course after I decided to tell him my emoticons, I thought he’d reply with the same and probably more, so I told Khalid to go away for a while, so I can say whatever I wanted to say to Rami, so Khalid was gone, and me & Rami alone again, I got a little bit nervous, but I knew I should trust my “inner feelings” and tell him, so I said: hey Rami, do you like me? He said: sure… And I asked him: what do you think about what happened in Khalid’s back seat the other day? He said: I’d sure love that to happen more often… I was like: COOL! But then I couldn’t think about anything to say, he held my hand in his both hands and looked at me and said: you wanna say something, go ahead and say it, I won’t eat you up (I wish he does).. Anyway, Khalid was back and he said: so what’s up dudes? And I said: nothing yet, nothing yet... Khalid said: oh for god’s sake you didn’t tell him yet? Here’s the deal Rami, Qais is in love with you, and the reason he didn’t say anything yet about it is because he’s a chicken that ran away from the movie Chicken Run and landed here in Amman. I couldn’t say anything and Rami had his thinker face on, so I thought: YEY he’s considering it!!! But a while passed and he didn’t say a single word, so Khalid said: I’ll take a walk and when I’m back I want to see you two doing something together, preferably kissing… so when he was walking away, I said: so………… Rami said: ha, didn’t know you had such stuff in ya… I said: are you saying this in a good way or a bad way? He said: of course the bad way, I told Khalid before that you’re not my type, and I believe that he delivered the message loud and clear, right? I said: sure… this was one of the moments that you get so much tears in your eyes to the point that see everything blurry around you…that’s exactly how I felt, and he didn’t stop talking, he said: you’re a really nice guy, and I like you, but only as a friend, you gotta get the idea that I’m a swinger, that I don’t stay with a guy for more than a week, and I’m simply doing this hole charade for your own sake… I said: and what about the kiss(es)? He said: if I knew you’d get it this way, I wouldn’t have kissed you in the first place, it was really nice and I’d love to do it again, but no strings attached… I couldn’t take it anymore so I said: ok, ok, ok you made your point more than crystal clear, you can stop now. He said: I’m really sorry it turned out this way, and then he kissed my cheek while I was trying not to silently choke with my tears, he left and Khalid came back, and he said: what did I miss? He said yes? You’re together now? I told him to shut up and I walked home.

Why Not?

After what happened with Rami in the last couple of days, i thought: hey that guy must really like me but he has an issue that stops him from going into a relationship. Khaled told me to make the first step, probably that'll impress him even more, so i decided to make that move on the next Thursday we go out, but i didn't know what that move would be, so i asked Khaled, he said: kiss him, you won't lose anything and you said he likes you so he won't say no. So i said: sure, i'll see.. Next thursday, we went out to Culture street in Shmeisani as usual, so at almost 12:30 am, we were near the Burger King wall, and because its past midnight streets were kinda empty.. Khaled poked me with his elbow and whispered "perfect moment" and then he said: i'm gonna get something to drink from the supermarket, so it was only me and Rami.. But as usual, i chickened out and didn't have the guts to do it, to only simply kiss the guy.. its not like my first kiss ever to be this nervous.. so he said: what do you wanna do tonight? i said: the night is over there's nothing left to do, i think Khaled will drive us back in a bit.. he said: Yeah? i said (in the most stupid way ever) yeah.. he started coming closer like he sensed what i was thinking about and all i could think about was: crap! so when he got as close as he could, he held both my hands and put them on his waist.. and then he kissed me, and it was the best feeling ever, i'm not talking about a polite kiss where lips just touch and bye bye, this one was a kiss that involved a lot of tongue activities :} anyway i don't know how much time passed before Khaled came back and said: oh for god's sake get a room. You have no idea how much i hated him in that moment, Rami backed off, and said: we should do that more often. i said (with a really nervous tone) : sure count me in!! so he said: wanna stay in the back seat in Khaled's car and make out even more? i said: is there another answer besides hell yeah? so Khaled started driving while i was getting to "Rami" more and more back there, he got to my house, and he said: come on go now enough playing tongue wrestling, i said: don't be such a stick in the mud drive around a little bit, he said: you got 15 minutes to finish whatever you're doing. i said: sure i'll try.. after 10 minutes Rami said: can i come with you? please? i'll wrestle with other parts.. i told him i can't cause my uncle is staying in the next room to my room, and he'd probably hear whatever we'll "do" in there, so Rami said in a disappointed way: oh ok, maybe some other time...
i like that guy, although i know falling for him will be the biggest mistake in my life, but why not?