Again & Again & Over & Over Again...

Now let's continue from where we stopped in the last post.
i usually listen to music that makes me think about my life or makes me feel weird inside.. after what happened that night with Rami, i laid in bed, and listened to Fergie's song "Big Girls Don't Cry".. the part that made me feel weird inside about Rami was "I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine".. that totally fit my situation because he only takes me like a friend and I'm falling for him more and more every day, at that night, it wasn't the first time i cry for a guy, i cried over and over again for Ryan, but this time it felt really ridiculous , because those feelings don't even make sense.. it felt really bad and i didn't wanna live anymore knowing that i'll never get the chance to be with the guy i really like.. anyway the next day Khaled said to me if i wanna go with him and Rami and some other guy Rami's gonna bring to the coastal city of Aqaba.. i told him: and you think i'm gonna go with you and him to see the guy i like making out with another guy? sorry but i think i'll pass on that!!
Now its time to go to City Mall.. i'll continue later :)

Another Reason To Hate This World

Why do i hate this world? i have a billion answers to that question.. and right now, i have enough reasons to never ever go out on a date ever again, after whatever happened between me, Rami Khaled and Sam, later on what happened with William, then with Mohammed, and at last with Yazan, it all adds one failure after another to my so called "love life".. and to top all of that, the "Ryan - Tim" intervention made things really crappy, i already hate Ryan enough for leaving like a year ago and now i have to deal with him AND with his new guy? NO THANKS! O.K. Now its time for me to start explaining what the hell I'm talking about.
I don't really know why on the unfortunate day I decided to search on the net for gays in Jordan, anyway I did, and i found an e-mail of a guy over there, his name was Rami, so we talked on the net for a while, i started to like him.. Then he kept asking me the same question on and on again.. When are we gonna go out on a date? So I told my self: Sure what the heck? What am I gonna lose? So we went out, and from the moment i saw him, I said to my self: Jackpot! he was kinda hot, really cute eyes.. anyway later on our "date" we bumped into his best friend Khaled.. and we three spent almost an hour talking about silly stuff.. Suddenly Khaled asked me: how do you feel about Rami now you know him this far? i didn't know what to say.. So i said: if we are gonna start a relationship, he's totally cool.. & at that moment, Rami gave me a "don't be silly" look.. and it was getting kinda late, so Khaled offered to drive both of us back to our houses... so he dropped Rami near by, and then he drove me home.. he asked a couple of questions and said at the end: wow! i'm impressed!! when i got home, i started to think about Rami over and over again... Is he the one that i'm gonna finally fall for? then i got a txt msg from Rami.. saying: hey why aren't you online now? i said to my self: thats a good sign, he misses me already!! we talked a little bit on the net then i went to bed, the next day Khaled called me, saying: hey i wanna see you today.. so i said: Okey Dokey!! and i wish i didn't go to see him.. He told me a "msg" from Rami: You're not my type, adios! at that moment, i really wanted to cry, although he was just a guy that i didn't even know his middle name, but rejection it self sucks, so i told Khaled: OK, so can i go home now? aren't we done here? he said: there's another thing i wanna say.. i really like you and i'd like you to be my boy friend.. i was like: huh? am i supposed to answer to that? so i told him I'll get back to you on that in a couple of days, but the next morning i sent him a txt msg saying that i prefer being single.. He said: ok we'll just be friends, and i was totally cool with that. the next day we went out the three of us, again, i was really nervous around Rami, whenever he looks at me he smiles and i just melt inside, then we went to our "hangout" spot near Burger King, it was just a wall but it was a cool place. so i leaned on the wall, suddenly found Rami right infront of me, his lower body pushing on my lower body and his arms surrounding my waist, my heartbeat became sky high, and then he looked me right in the eye and smiled again, which made me melt even more.. and then Khaled had to come in and spoil the moment, although Rami didn't move an inch but i got a little bit nervous.. Rami sensed that and backed off.. i really hated Khaled at that moment.. anyway when i got back home i couldn't get Rami out of my head, he's just a guy i met 3 days ago and i already have a flow of feelings for him? this is so not me, not the personality i built through treachery, blackmail and backstabbing.. i had to do something about it, and fast or i'll fall for the guy for sure (and thats a bad thing ofcourse)...
i'll stop now so you wait for my next post with great anticipation :P :D

More & More Everyday...

Hey again... this post is a follow-up to the previous one.. because more and more everyday i feel more frozen inside.. i'm very stubborn, i seldom listen to other people, simply because i don't care about what they think about me. Music affects me a lot.. whenever i hear a song that moves something inside of me, i remember all the things related to that thing/person.. for example, the soundtrack of the movie Material Girls "Material Girl" by Hilary Duff & Haylie Duff made me even more stubborn about holding on to my concepts, that real love doesn't exist. that we only live in a material world, and no one really cares to anything but money.. and that Mr. Right is the guy with the cold hard cash.. those became more and more one of my most profound and basic principles.. so i decided to throw my heart away, because simply it doesn't wanna work no more, because whenever i see a couple holding hands or just looking like they're in love.. my heart starts to have this weird feeling.. as if its saying: hey, why can't i have that? i remember that when i went to Belgique when i was 16.. my friend Alma wanted to us to go to a square in Zaventem called "Minnaars Stroken" which means "Lovers Square".. and i really couldn't stay there for 5 more than 10 minutes.. what i saw was really frustrating for me, "the love was in the air" letteraly.. i had to go back to Laurence's place and i cried, i cried because i just saw what i lost. i went to Belgium too cool down after a breaking up with Joel. my first bf, but not my first love, because when i look back at what i'm supposed to have with my boyfriend.. was simply what i never had.. and will never have, real love. don't ask why, i just know.

Frozen

Hey.. I chose this title for my post today because thats exactly how i feel right now, frozen inside. i always feel frozen, espceially when i feel bad, i just feel like my heart its just an empty hole. Thats why, i usually fill that hole with hatred towards the person that i had either an argument, a disagreement, or anything (bad) with, i just keep thinking on and on of a way to destroy him/her.. for me, i never like the excessive abuse of power, I've never been in a physical fight.. for me, the flesh and bones are nothing, what matters to target is the inside, to mentally destroy someone is what really brings him/her down, my own way of a psychological warfare, i won't deny that its really always a pleasure for me to destroy someone. whenever i do that, i just feel soooooooooooo.... in power.... a couple of weeks ago, i bumped into Ryan, the first guy i ever loved, i really never thought I'd see him ever again, but i did.. it was really like shit and he didn't change at all, he's still.. the same guy that made me fall in love with him when i wasn't ready for such a serious relationship. for god's sake i was only 16 and he was this incridbley hot guy that everyone wants, whenever he walks somewhere everyone stairs at him, he has the most amazing personality ever, and his green eyes are better than a good old Cuban cigar (although i never tried one, but i hear its really good :p) and all those old feelings started rushing back to my head... and to my heart also.. his love taught me to be this.. cold. he was extremely sweet and extremely loving and extremely.. just perfect, but now, when i remember what happened almost a year ago.. it really hurts when i remember what i gave up for him, and it made me feel like i wasn't enough for his love.. now when i write this, i remember those feelings again.. it was really.. frustrating to love someone that much, and then he suddenly leaves, if he didn't love me it'd be totally ok if he left like that.. but i know he loved me.. like i loved him and even more. but for him to leave suddenly, like everything between was just a dream.. a dream too good to be true..

More About Me..

Hey.. It's me again..
Today, i'm gonna talk more about me, i'm really tall.. People are often amazed by how tall i am, i'm 193ish cm tall (thats about 6'3".. I KNOW!!!) i rarely find someone who is about my height, since i was a kiddo, i was the tallest in class, i'd be lying if i say i didn't like that.. its like being more.. higher than other people, superior in some way.. what made me even more isolated is my taste in everything, i mentioned before that i always knew i was gay, and that affected my life since i was young, the way i speak, choose my sentences, my taste in clothes, my taste in food, and always treat girls as friends, nothing more, i still remember the first girl my family thought she's a perfect match for me.. her dad was my dad's cousin, and she's 1 year younger than me, i was about 5 years old, and she was 4, and we both were in the same kindergarten, i won't deny there was a little bit of a "click".. She's smart, like me, but she's too serious.. i hate too uptight people, that just don't get your jokes, and they deal with life like its a one lane road. Anyway, my mom used to tell me that she's my "girlfriend", when i wake up late for kindergarten or so, she'd says: you don't wanna see your girlfriend today? It was really irritating cause i didn't feel any kind of attraction to either her or any girl on this earth!
Enough for today, will continue soon, adios for now..

The Begining..

Well.. in my first blog ever.. i'm gonna write some basic info about me..
I was born on the 16th of January, 1989, I'm Capricorn, since the moment i came to this earth, i always felt i was different, in more than one way, and i always felt gay also, i never felt straight my whole life.. i never felt attracted to the female gender, just be friends with them..
When it comes to the way of thinking.. you can say i'm really twisted, i was even more disturbed and twisted in the past, but now its "kinda" better. i always seek new enemies. it was somehow the goal of my life.. to destroy, and to always be superior, and to proof that i'm superior, to satisfy my own ego by watching others destroyed, using everything i have... that's me.. and i don't think it will ever change.
Stay tuned for more of.. me!