The Circle Of Hate...

Last Thursday, i went with my friend Samuel to a bar called RGB.. mainly gay bar, i got there at almost 9 pm, at first it was kinda boring, with no one around, so me and Samuel did some catching up, we didn't talk to eachother for a while, because we both had exams.. and at midnight people started filling the place, people i know some of, Khalid came in, and Mohammed, one of my X's... we talked for a while then i got back in, Samuel was talking to one of his university mates.. so i had nothing to do at all, i started starring at the empty glass of Orange juice right infront of me, and play with the ice cubes in it, and the guy right infront of me, who looked mostly outta town, offered to fill my glass, with beer ofcourse, i told him that i don't drink.. he said: OK, Apple juice it is then.. i didn't know what to say, i just smiled and said: sorry.. I'm already "taken".. he said: uhh.. sorry to bother you.. enjoy. and then i was back to the "blank status" i got a message from Zaid, asking how I'm doing, etc... i didn't reply cause i didn't have any credit in my account.. but i didn't need that message as it is to remind me about Zaid anyway... as if i wasn't thinking of him as it is from the beginning, all of this loud music, the guy across the counter still looking, Samuel blabbing on and on about his ex-bf that he still wants and don't know what to do, i just kept nodding and smiling at him, and saying stuff such as: uh,, OK, sure, yeah you're right, go get'em.. and occasionally i'd go talk with Khalid or Mohammed, or take a walk outside to just get out of the smoke in there.. my phone rang while i was out.. it was Zaid, asking how i'm doing, and why i didn't reply, and before he hung up, he said: you know what, dumb ass? i love you.. i said: i already know that.. he told me that he's out with his friend in Abdoun, and that he will be back home past midnight, and for me to call him when i get home just to say goodnight.. i said: sure i will.. when i finished my call, i looked up, and the moon was bright and full, as Zaid calls it our moon, Khalid punched me from the back and said: and where are you diving with your thoughts? i said: nothing.. just talked to Zaid, he's out with his friends in Abdoun.. he said: uhhh.. i don't think so.. i just saw him in Culture street with someone.. i didn't know what to say.. i said: really? well.. doesn't matter anyway, does it? he said: and you two are back together, right? i said: well.. Kinda.. Not really sure.. he said: you'll never learn, you and him are done, what are you exactly getting back for? i said: i don't know, i just like the way he makes me feel.. he said: sure, keep living on with that, and have fun meanwhile.. and for the next 6 hours i just kept doing the same things over and over again, talk to this guy, smile to that guy, listen to Samuel whining again.. it almost became 3:30 am, Samuel wanted to leave, so i walked him out, he said: we should do this more often.. i said: constantly screaming our lungs out in each other's ears? sure, why not.. he smiled and got in a taxi and left.. and i walked slowly back there, and "our" moon was still starring at me, reminding me of something that i just wanted to forget at that moment, it was one of the moments that it gets blurry to see, because you have so much tears in your eyes, and it blocks your vision, and i had to get a grip before i get back there, and as usual, it was the time to show the confident face and the fake smile and the whole package... i waited for almost an hour or so, then Khalid and i drove some friends back to their place, and then we talked a while, had an early breakfast in the Down Town area, and then he drove me home.. when i got there, my dad woke up and he started talking and saying stuff about how late i am and etc.. i was too mad to say a word, i wore my jacket again, and went out, i didn't know where to go, it was still almost 6 am.. i went to my old school, it's right behind my house, and started remembering everything i had in this school, since i was in 5th grade, when i entered it, till last year when i finished.. and i started looking around the basketball court, where i got my first kiss, and the initiation of my first relationship ever, i saw on by the window of my old 6th grade class, and i started crying, for a reason i didn't even know why.. i got out my phone, and i called a guy that i barely know, a guy with me in college, his name is A.J. and he made some things showing that he's kinda interested, and i thought to my self, what the heck, the best guy i'll get right now is Mr. invisible, so A.J. will be a lot more "touchable".. he has his own apartment in Shmeisani, cause his family is working in Oman, and he's here to study, he answered and he was obviously asleep, i said: i'm sorry to bother to you, but i didn't find anyone to actually talk to.. he said: and where the heck are you? i said: out, he said: at this time? crazy.. where are you? i'll get ready in 5 minutes and i'll come pick you up from where ever you want, or you can come to my place, since you already know it.. i said: come to the Airport road, near the Safeway center.. he said: OK, right away.. he got there in 20 minutes.. and i told him everything, we got to the Abdoun hanging bridge, the streets were totally empty, since it was a typical winter Friday morning, he parked his car and he said: let's walk a little bit on the bridge since there are no cars.. we walked for almost for 20 minutes, going on an on, back and forward, and i started to feel better, we stopped at the middle of the bridge, and who ever visited Amman will know what amazing view you get from that bridge, i leaned on the edge and i looked away, i thought to my self: who exactly is this Zaid that is making you feel like this? he's nothing, and you and him were nothing in the first place, what would change things out of the sudden now? you'll get someone better, or simply someone else... A.J. said at that time: hey buddy, share your thoughts with the rest of us.. i said: well.. i just found that there's no point of relationships at all, at least the relationships i've been through, they were just a bunch of wicked games, where nobody loves anybody, and the center of everything is always me, and i don't even know why everything like that happens to me.. he said: that was absolutely amazing.. you are absolutely amazing.. and then he kissed me.. i was too tired to even refuse, so i kissed him back, but it didn't last for long since we were on the most famous bridge in the kingdom, and on the way back to the car, he held my hand, and he said: slow down, we're not in a rush at all, you don't have to walk this fast.. i slowed down, and he started talking about how when he heard my voice and he felt that it was a little bit troubled for me, he had to do something. then he started walking fast, and he said: come, i wanna show you my favorite place here.. he drove a little bit to the south of the bridge, we got almost to the Yasmeen suburb, almost in southern Amman, and there was this amazing view of totally empty space, nothing to disturb, just mountains, high voltage electricity lines, and a being-built road (the picture above), he said: this has always been my own place, but you're the first person i ever felt like sharing it with, and at that time, my mind was screaming: this is the perfect moment for you to kiss him, by that you'll totally erase everything between you and Zaid, and he can do whatever he wants to do.. and i did it, i kissed him, this time it lasted for a while.. then he pulled back and said: i don't wanna rush or give any false hopes or whatever thing people take as an excuse to stop kissing.. i smiled and said: as much as i've enjoyed this, i think i'll go back home now.. it was almost 9 am, he drove me back to my house, when i walked in, my sister asked me where i've been, i said: and how is that part of your business? i walked to the kitchen, i didn't feel that much sleep although i didn't sleep at all in the past night... i ate something quickly, and then turned on my laptop and laid in bed while listening to music.. and again, i was listening to songs by H.I.M. my favorite band nowadays.. this time, the song was "Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart".. and again, i cry for the most ridiculous reason ever, another guy, that obviously doesn't even want me.. and with every word Ville Valo (the lead singer in band) said, i felt even more worse inside, the song said "all i ever wanted, was you to be my love, all i ever wanted was for you to be only mine, you're all i ever wanted, let me never see the sun, and never see your smile, let us be so dead so gone, so far away from life, just close my eyes and hold me inside, and bury me inside your heart"... and more and more.. i started to grow my circle of hate.. and include a new person in it...