Sleeping With Ghosts..

its been a month since i last wrote here, although i've been through so much in this month, and it all worths mentioning here, but i've been a little bit busy at university, had exams, and other stuff. as i mentioned before, after breaking up with Zaid, it felt good, only for the first 4 or 5 days, then i started to realize what i lost, at least i had someone to think about before i go to sleep, or when i wake up, or when i'm back from university on the way on the bus, and all those voices around me talking to me, but i'm thinking about being with one person only.. but i knew it was for no use, i decided to "throw it all behind" and i started my obsession with H.I.M. the rock band, and Placebo, their songs were kind of representing how i exactly felt, thats why i chose this title to my blog today, Sleeping With Ghosts, is a recent song by Placebo, i still remember the moment after i told Zaid that we are done together, he looked at me in a way i'll never forget, like he's asking me why, but i had to show my aggressive and hostile nature, and i said to him: anything else? thought so, i'll be gone now and you enjoy the scene of my back saying goodbye to you. i was like 15 minutes away from home, so i started listening to music on my mobilephone, and Placebo's Sleeping With Ghosts played randomly. and as much as i tried to look strong, and not even showing people around me that i'm not destroyed inside, i had to stop, and go to the corner where i first kissed Zaid, and i was listening to the same song over and over again, "soulmates never die" but when i look around, i'm just by my self, and the soulmate that i'm supposed to have, is gone, and all because of me. its just that i always knew that there's something wrong with my personality, that makes people turn around and leave any moment, so i had to become this hostile, i was very fragile and i still am, i felt that i might get dead, at least inside, if i keep getting left over and over again, so i had to build me, my self, from zero, just to show that i can, and i will not be weak, and if that means i have to sacrifice my emotions and feelings inside, then let it be, but there are times that i just feel like i can't go on, that i have to throw this interface away, and be with someone, for real, and now is one of those times, the day before yesterday, it was a holiday, and i didn't have any homeworks and it was cold outside, so i stayed in my bed, and i got out my diary book when i was 16, when i was with Ryan, and i started reading it, and remember what i felt like when i wasn't.. me, and when i was done, i remembered everyone i've ever dated, been with, anything. starting with Mohammed, Ryan, Gus, Rami, Mohammed, Yazan, William, and now, Zaid. i wanted to call him, but i didn't know what to say, but i picked up my phone, and dialed his number, i still remember it although i erased it.. and he didn't answer, it was his voicemail that answered after 6 rings, and the message was: if this is anyone from university, i'm working on my graduation project, if this is anyone trying to sell anything, don't bother, i'm not buying, and if this is MJR, i still love you. i simply didn't know what to say, after what i've done to him...