Frozen

Hey.. I chose this title for my post today because thats exactly how i feel right now, frozen inside. i always feel frozen, espceially when i feel bad, i just feel like my heart its just an empty hole. Thats why, i usually fill that hole with hatred towards the person that i had either an argument, a disagreement, or anything (bad) with, i just keep thinking on and on of a way to destroy him/her.. for me, i never like the excessive abuse of power, I've never been in a physical fight.. for me, the flesh and bones are nothing, what matters to target is the inside, to mentally destroy someone is what really brings him/her down, my own way of a psychological warfare, i won't deny that its really always a pleasure for me to destroy someone. whenever i do that, i just feel soooooooooooo.... in power.... a couple of weeks ago, i bumped into Ryan, the first guy i ever loved, i really never thought I'd see him ever again, but i did.. it was really like shit and he didn't change at all, he's still.. the same guy that made me fall in love with him when i wasn't ready for such a serious relationship. for god's sake i was only 16 and he was this incridbley hot guy that everyone wants, whenever he walks somewhere everyone stairs at him, he has the most amazing personality ever, and his green eyes are better than a good old Cuban cigar (although i never tried one, but i hear its really good :p) and all those old feelings started rushing back to my head... and to my heart also.. his love taught me to be this.. cold. he was extremely sweet and extremely loving and extremely.. just perfect, but now, when i remember what happened almost a year ago.. it really hurts when i remember what i gave up for him, and it made me feel like i wasn't enough for his love.. now when i write this, i remember those feelings again.. it was really.. frustrating to love someone that much, and then he suddenly leaves, if he didn't love me it'd be totally ok if he left like that.. but i know he loved me.. like i loved him and even more. but for him to leave suddenly, like everything between was just a dream.. a dream too good to be true..